Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas!


Hooray! We did it!!! The 25 days of Vexmas challenge is officially over! Thanks for all your support these past few weeks, its been a real thrill.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

'Twas the night before Christmas...


Here's to hoping Wadadli Claus stops by your house tonight and fills your stocking with all the roast beef your heart desires! Xoxo!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

}: |

Why do people lean against the hand railing on the train? I had my fingers squished between the pole and some old lady's gunt for my entire ride on the subway today. Sick.

Seriously, just think about that for a minute. A strangers fupa was resting on my knuckles for a good 25 minutes straight. Enjoy the rest of your day.

Monday, December 22, 2008

3 days to go

Sorry, but this is too amazing not to post. Plus I was at a baby shower all afternoon so I didn't really have time to get creative. My only comment is that baby showers are *super* boring. Don't have kids.

Enjoy the video:



Thanks for the hot tip, Richard Tucker and send your sister my best!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

***BIG NEWS***

I'd like to take this moment to make a very big announcement in my life. After many months of contemplating, I've finally made my decision. One that will, without question, impact the rest of my life. After this Christmas I am officially converting.

That's right, I'm getting a Mac and could not be more excited! Thank you to everyone who helped me make this enormous decision, I couldn't have done it without you!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Last Night-

- The President of my company kept telling Ben and I we shouldn't wait until 2010 to get married- not even January of 2010 because he regrets not having kids sooner, but he doesn't want a girl and his son will get NONE of his money (um, what?)

- Shortly after the above, he gave the most disgusted look when we told him we were thinking of having the wedding in Puerto Rico

- Every interaction with any of my bosses was as awesomely awkward as the last two

- There wasn't enough food :( not to mention that I didn't even get ONE spring roll

- Everyone got pretty wasted (yay open bar!!)

- There was a disturbing amount of dry humping going down on the dance floor

- I got called snow white by some random girl after she snapped picture of me

- One of the employees kept telling my homo friend that she could "turn him"

- A few hours later, the same chick tried to kiss me then tried to get her boyfriend to kiss me, so that was totally sweet

Overall, the company party was a success!

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Holidays, Part 2

My office holiday party is tonight... Normally I'm totally down for free food and booze but this is basically being at work only trading internet access and a comfy chair for shitty music and temperate appetizers. Awesome.

Below is a list of things that will help distinguish between 'work' and 'work party':

-Everyone will be slightly better dressed
-I will be gossiping by having an actual conversation, not via MSN messenger
-99.9% of the people there will be at ease knowing they don't have to hide the smell of alcohol on their breath for once

That's pretty much it.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Metabolize This

I recently started a new vitamin regimen. I've been taking D, B-complex, B-12, and Lysine. Vitamin D is supposed to help with my seasonal affective disorder, the B's are for energy/metabolism/nervous system health, and Lysine helps build amino acids. Its been 6 weeks and the only change I've noticed is that the color of my pee is now what can only be described as radioactive yellow. So that sucks.








PS. Really Jeff? Was this better than seeing a small child screaming obscenities at his mother or the new FOTC season 2 premier? Really??? I bet every other Vex reader would have rather seen another video.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

9 more to go

Here's another kid I'd love to adopt:



and you better believe I wouldn't feed him that anemic f*cking bread.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Grab-ass Galore!

It must be the season of random grab-ass. There was a group of us drinking on the lower east side on Saturday (happy birthday again, Jose) and a few of the girls kept noticing their bums getting groped. Like hardcore groping, not just a little sideswipe or a goose- he was squeezing handfuls of ass as if he were kneading dough.

Turns out it was this super flamboyant looking dude (see: totally gay and not fooling anyone) wearing a teal scarf. We established it was him and were talking loud enough to be heard so he took off. But my little firecracker of a friend, Emilie, went running after him and yelling, "Everyone knows what you do! You're pathetic!" It was awesome!

But seriously, what a fucking perv- who does that?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

I Heart NY

Tonight I went to see the big tree at Rockefeller Plaza. I know, I'm a good friend and a *great* tour guide- but that's not the point. As we were walking on the concourse level with all of the restaurants I saw a big lady eating an even bigger TCBY ice cream cone. She went to take her first bite, stopped, pulled out her camera, held the icy treat at arms length, took a picture and then put the camera away and began devouring the cone. It was pretty awesome. Everyone was watching and thinking the same judgy thoughts. Guess you had to be there.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Death becomes me

Note to self: you are no longer a teenager and should stop drinking like you are. I stayed out until 3 am last night celebrating life/visiting with old friend and I'm still hung over at 10:15 pm. Laaaaaaaaame :(


Side note: Other Jeff, please don't be such a hater just because there won't be any sleep till Brooklyn. Thanks.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Oh, kewl.


Fingerless gloves are totally in right now and that's fine, I just have one tiny complaint. I've seen several people who have clearly just cut the toe part off of a pair of socks to wear them as said gloves, thinking nobody would notice the difference. Well ladies, people do notice. And they judge you. And they also think you should stop taking fashion cues from homeless people. That's all.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Uh, no thank you.


I really hope this is fake... It appears that someone has written a cookbook full of semen based recipes.

*GAG*

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

One of these days, I just might

Sometimes when I'm riding the subway I find myself day dreaming that I get up in the middle of the crowded train and start rapping along with whatever Tupac/Dre/Biggie jam is playing on my iPod.

It's all very movie like: I get up and I'm totally into it and rapping my ass off while everyone on the train is looking at each other like "who the hell is this little white chick trying to drop rhymes? Psshhh, whateva." But a few verses in they are all clapping and yelling and cheering me on like a scene from 8 Mile. Maybe even a few of the video-hoe looking ones are helping out with the chorus. It always ends with the passengers looking at each other like, "oh snap! we just served by baby guurl!" and in true gangsta fashion I kiss my two fingers as I peace-out and step off the train without ever looking back.

I fucking love that!

Anyways, I was in the middle of that scene last night while listening to Nothin but a "G" Thang and everything was going according to plan until I got to the line "Well I'm peepin', and I'm creepin', and I'm creep-in
But I damn near got caught, 'cause my beeper kept beepin'." It made me realize that not all old school hip-hop is as timeless as I like to think. Who the hell uses a beeper? More over, who raps about having one?

I guess I remember when beepers were cool and the hottest new gadget but Jesus, Dre, you *had* to know that wouldn't last forever. What a shame they can't all be universally cool themes like "who gives a fuck about hoes? So just chill, 'til the next episode..."

Monday, December 8, 2008

Yay!!!!

My friend and creator of the 25 days of Vexmas challenge, Jeff, is coming to NYC this weekend! Yay! Thank you Fox News people for fucking up your office chairs. Without you, there would be no reason for his company to fly him out here on the most eventful and jam packed weekend of the year! See ya Thursday, Francisco!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

201

I just had my improv 201 show at the UCB. Everything went really well, except for this one scene in which one of my male classmates kept grabbing the ass of a female classmate. It was super creepy and uncool.

What may have been worse was his attempt at justification for it afterwards. He tried to argue the point that "people are cool with it" and everyone should "expect things like that." Yes, because molestation is a form of comedy in some circles. All I remember is feeling the collective cringe of everyone on stage and in the audience. Thanks, creepy former classmate!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Holidays, Part I

We put up our miniature Christmas tree and it looks pretty sad now that we're living in a place that's bigger than a shoebox. What's worse is that Wadadli has taken a real liking to the golden bead garland. We came home to a pile of loose beads and I'm positive he ate a few because he's a disgusting animal that will literally eat anything. Now every time he poops I stare like I'm expecting him to lay little golden eggs. None yet, but I'll keep you posted...

Friday, December 5, 2008

Crap!

I stayed home from work today so I almost forgot to blog! Nothing too crazy to report on, unless you consider making a delicious tortilla soup with chicken, lime and smoked chilies 'crazy.' Someday I'll put the recipe up here because it's f-ing amazing... For now, I have popsicles to eat and Dexters to watch so I'm out. Happy Friday!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

A Regret.

Last night as Eric and I walked to the subway we saw these Memorex cabs parked on 60th Street with a microphone set up and people trying to get you to sing for a ride. We looked at each other and said we should *totally* do it but when the guy asked us we chickened out and went our seperate ways.

As I walked down the steps the guy yelled to me again, "Come on! Your boyfriend really wants to do it!" I giggled but kept going. Once under ground I began to regret not taking a ride in the Karaoke Cab because, damn it, it would have been fun! So I secretly vowed to myself that I would do it if I ever saw them again. Lucky for all of us, they are roaming the streets of New York until December 23rd!!! What are the odds they'll have Womanizer as a song choice?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I really am an asshole.

Consider this part 2.

A few Christmases ago I ran into a friend from high school that I hadn't seen in several years (lets call her "Nicole"). You have to understand, "Nicole" was never fat, she just had a little more T&A than most of us (lucky bitch). Anyways, she looked amazing so I knew I just *had* to compliment her. We hugged, said hello and then I exclaimed, "OMG! You look great! Did you lose like, 500 pounds?" I felt so confident that I just said the most flattering thing in the history of the world until she made a weird face and tried to laugh while saying, "Um, no. That would mean that I weighed 645 pounds before."

In my defense, I was a slightly drunk. Here is a sampling of my inner monologue right before it happened: "Wow! She looks good, I think she lost weight. I should ask her. Do I say 15? No. That just sounds dumb. 50? Not quite dramatic enough...500? YES! I will ask this girl who I haven't seen in 3 years if she has lost 500 pounds because that will show that I think she looks good and is fit and healthy. Splendid!"

What a horrible, horrible idea. I still get embarrassed when I think about it. In fact, whenever I think of "Nicole" now I think of that and I just imagine her stewing and hating me ever since. It bothers me so much that I often think about emailing her an apology (but if she somehow forgot all about it I wouldn't want to bring it up and maker her remember how much of an asshole I was). On the other hand, I don't want her to think that I honestly thought she was 500 lbs overweight. Christ. What's a girl to do? Seriously, she's coming to NYC and I will likely be hanging out with her. Do I apologize for my not-so-complimentary 'compliment' or just act like it never happened?

Your advice is greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I've Been Challenged!


Loyal Vex reader Jeff G. has challenged me to the "25 days of Vex-mas" post-a-day until Christmas. Well my friend, you are on. Consider this my post for December 2nd.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Long before Sandler's Piece of Shit Car, der were Da Yoopers

(I couldn't decided which of these to post so you get both)





And to top it all off:



For those of you who don't know, these are some serious local celebrities in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Kanye West ain't got shit on Conga se Menne, eh!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Oh look, its Pikachu!!!

I haven't said too much about the new girl in my office. Maybe its because I've been trying really hard not to hate her or the fact I've been trying to think positive in general (I feel like my bitterness and negativity takes over my whole personality and that's not cute). Anyways, when she drops a golden nugget of stupidity, how can I not share it with you?

She was just stamping envelopes and asked me, "Stockholm? Is that in Seattle?"

Jesus H. Christ, its a good think her ta-ta's are the size of something you'd seen in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade...

Friday, November 21, 2008

Why are the gays SO hot?



Seriously. I couldn't move like that if I was on fire.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!

Last week we were at the dog run and it was an extremely active day for some reason. The dogs were playing and chasing each other and sprinting in circles. All of a sudden, this medium sized dog came at me so fast I didn't even have time to comprehend what was going on. Before I could move he ran head first into my legs and completely clothes lined me!

The dog didn't even pause but I went flying ass over tea kettle into the dirt. I was in shock when I got up and just started laughing but then the pain started to sink in. 5 days later I have this to show for my canine hit and run:



What do you mean the title has nothing to do with the post?

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Oh God, Part 2

I just farted (rather standard part of my work day) only this time it made a pretty loud noise (not so standard). There's no way it went unheard but nobody has said anything yet. FUCK! What is wrong with today?!?!

Oh God.

My CFO's fly is WIDE open. He keeps coming up to my desk to ask me questions and his gaping business is right in my face. ARG! Where am I supposed to look?!?!? Somebody should really tell him.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

steam coming out of my ears like a cartoon-

That's how I feel when people misuse a word (because they don't understand the meaning) especially when they are only using the word to establish their knowledge about a particular subject.

I just got off of a web marketing conference call with the biggest douche water reservoir in the history of douchedom and he always pulls that shit. Please stop talking about the number of 'hits' your website receives. That hasn't been a valid unit of measure for at least 3 years. Please don't use the word 'bounce' to describe anytime somebody leaves your website. It pertains to a very distinct action and every time you say it I want to punch you in the throat.

These are the only two examples I have right now and I apologize for how topical they are but you get what I mean, right? It's like when I say 'stat' in front of my doctor friends (talking about you, Age and Phoebs). Maybe that's a bad example... Anyways, just think of a term that is really super specific to your particular industry and imagine a French Canadian turd box misusing this term repeatedly while having the attitude that he totally nailed it and everyone should be thoroughly impressed at his mental prowess. Fucking cock fucker ass wad.

Whew, I feel better!

Friday, October 24, 2008

I feel so rusty :*(

So, I've spent the past week in a nyquil induced haze, but that's no excuse. Sorry I've been slacking on my blogging... I don't know where my creativity went. Anyways I thought we could get back to some good old Vex basics with a completely random list. Here goes:

- I'm really digging Mad Men. If you haven't seen it, you should totally check it out. And bring me a scotch while your up, sweetheart.

- Being sick has really messed with my digestive system. My morning poops have been coming in the afternoon and my after lunch poops have been coming after work.

- I've also had outrageously big farts. I had the absolute longest fart of my life yesterday and it felt so amazing I had to draw of picture of it. At the end of the 'fart trail' it turned into a little heart, because it felt like love.

- Not that I really care, but I should know better than to do the above at work while having zero sense of smell. Sorry to any co-workers who had to walk past my desk. I guess that's why you sent me this story.

- I've been a little obsessed with the new Britney Spears song ever since I heard it 50 times at the gay bar last weekend. The only thing that worries me is that during the chorus it sounds like she's saying "you want some butta?" Has anyone else noticed that?

- Keith Olbermann is hilarious (and not just because he's been on The Soup).

- Anybody want to puppy sit while Ben and I are in Puerto Rico for 4 days? I'll bake cookies and stock the fridge with your favorite food/beer/opiates... think about it and get back to me.

- I genuinely want to adopt this kid:

Here's one more like that. LOVE HIM!!!

Let the comments begin...

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

GROSS!


(click to enlarge)

...thanks EG!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Dear Eric,


Sends her love. And her leotards.

xoxo!

Vegas: one picture sums it up

From a souvenir shop on the Strip:



Vegas, baby! Classin' up America since 1905!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

it just keeps getting better-



Ahhh, Sarah Palin... First off, I love how Katie Couric has become this super ball-busting bitch over the course of two interviews. Props- take that good ol' boys club!

Anyways this clip is amazing for several reasons. Sarah Palin says she reads all of them. All of the newspapers. Well, at least a vast variety of them. Yup. No wonder why she can't remember the name of any one in particular- names would just be cluttering the space in her mind where she has categorically stored so much important, factual information over the past 44 years. She manages to get offended by the question (for which she has NO answer) and turns it on Katie, making it seem like Katie just insulted her 'microcosmic' state of Alaska.

Palin gets more nervous about newspaper names than I do when Ben's parents asks me if I've read any good books lately. At least I can come up with something like, "Well I just finished reading one by Martha Stout, PhD. who conducted a study about the rate of sociopaths in modern American society. It was truly fascinating." End of discussion.

The more I hear her speak, the more I am convinced that she's actually W. with a set of tits and some funky glasses.

Monday, September 29, 2008

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!

Wadads is officially an LOL dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dog
see more puppies

ugh.


Ben was gone this weekend so Wadadli and I had some serious bonding time. It was pretty great for the most part, we just hung out and ate delivery in our sweatpants. The only bad thing was at night when he heard a door open or someone walking up the steps he'd freak out and start barking. I think he thought it was going to be his daddy coming home, but it never was :*(

Anyways, last night he was pretty good. I woke up at about midnight to his cute little body curled up in my face and a really weird smell. He had been having *extremely* bad gas all weekend so I laughed and sarcastically asked him if he shit the bed. As I rolled over the smell got worse and the laughter stopped. I jumped up and turned on the lights to see him trying to bite off a pinkie finger-sized dingleberry that had partially smeared on the duvet. I grabbed him and a wad of kleenex and pulled the turd from his little rear. He ran off in shame as I gaged and cleaned off the bedding.

Of course I had to call Ben and let him know what just happened. I was looking for Wadadli so could he get scolded by his daddy on speakerphone and when I eventually found him, he was devouring a turd the size of a bratwurst. What. The. Fuck??!?!? Who eats poop???

Being a single parent sucks and why does my dog always have fecal issues?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I would *love* to help you manage your millions.

Dear Friend,
I know this letter will definitely come as a surprise to
you but I hope as you read on, you will come to understand.
I have decided- after about four and a half month of
thinking about the whole issue- to seek your help in carrying out my last wishes. I don?t really know you but I have prayed, thought about it and moreover I have no choice now and for another reason I
prefer not to disclose. My names are Mrs. Evelyn Sanchez. I
am 67 years old and was born and grew up in Malaga, Spain. I
and my late husband had two children but as God would have
it.
They died in an auto accident six years ago. Before this
happened, my business and concern for making money was all
I lived for. I never really cared about other values in
life. But since the loss of my family, I have found a new
desire to assist helpless families. I have been helping
orphans in orphanages/motherless babies? homes, especially
in Africa. I have also donated some funds for humanitarian
aid and rehabilitation of prostitutes in Rio de janiero,
Brazil, when I was healthier.
I know by now you might be wondering why this entire long
letter.Presently, I am hospitalized having been diagnosed
with terminal cancer of the lungs with but a few months to
live. I can no longer talk and I am just able to use the
laptop. I am not afraid of death any longer though.
Like I told you earlier, my husbands business and mine
really thrived when I was healthy and He alive. We really worked hard for the sake of our children. As my health deterioted, my
extended family members swooped down on everything my
husband and I worked hard to earn. Seeing that there are no
offspring(s) to inherit it coupled with the fact that I am
dying. They never really liked me anyway but my husband
stood by me all those years.
This is my plea; I made most of my money through exporting
vintage wines to African countries like South Africa, Benin
Republic and Nigeria. One of the companies that owed me at
Cross River State, Nigeria sent me an email 5 months ago.
They have paid my fund totaling six Million Three Hundred
and Twenty Thousand USA dollars into my account over there.
I don?t have need for this fund anymore. I made money out
of Africa and now that I am dying, I want to give back to
them. If you agree to help me as I pray you will. I will
get you in contact with my Account Manager over there.(Mr.
Maurice Phido).I will also furnish you with all the
necessary documents that will help you receive the fund
soonest.
All I need from you is to assure me as follows:
1. That you will get in contact with my Account Manager as
soon as we agree.
2. That as soon as I am able to furnish you with all
necessary details and documents involved, you will do all within your means to get the fund even in the event of my demise.
3. That you will help me to distribute 50% of this fund to
Orphanages/motherless babies homes and viable
Non-Governmental Organizations engaged in the eradication of poverty among African children and 25% in the same kind of organizations
in other parts of the globe.
4. Use 5% of the fund to reimburse yourself of any
exigencies you might incur in the process of receiving and distributing the fund.
5. The balance of 20% is for you.
I am really sorry for any in convenience this letter might
have caused you.I pray my terms are okay by you? If so, get back to me
so I can direct you to my Account Manager for all further
correspondence.
God Bless You,
Evelyn Sanchez.

This sounds pretty solid. Let me go ahead and get my bank account number to Mrs. Evelyn Sanchez so she can wire me the remainder of her funds. If anyone else wants to join in, just email dirty Ms. Sanchez at evelynsanchez111@hotmail.com or evelynsanchezbyme@gmail.com. I'd be happy to share my 20% of 6.4 million... Come on kids, what do you have to lose?

Friday, September 5, 2008

bastard from a basket.

Who knew Daniel Plainview



would change his name and evolve into this hit-machine:




So, ladies and gentlemen... if he says he's the Scatman you will agree.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

I fucking hate people

I hate people because:

- they never walk fast enough
- they cut you off
- they stand *way* to close to you and smell like an 8th grader (see: sweat and too much Brute)
- they wear stupid fucking white sketcher tennis shoes with their douchey office skirt (two words ladies: ballet flats, get familiar for Christs sake)


Clearly this list will be continued...

Thursday, August 28, 2008

ha...

My new (and soon to be gone) worlds most horrendous temp LOVES to say, "Oh! It's the funniest thing" before or after telling a story. If it was really the funniest thing I wouldn't be able to hear you say that because I'd be laughing too fucking hard, no?

She's a new breed of like ghetto/Brooklyn/crazy. Ghetbrazy? Maybe that was trying too hard. Anyways, today she was telling me about how she needs to start collecting child support from her "daughters father" which is just the new way of saying baby-daddy. She proceeds to tell me all about him and his new wife and how he hasn't paid her anything in the 5 years since they had this love child.

I don't know her, but I know more about her finances than I do about my own. She's always on the phone trying to hustle friends for money. Last week she was trying to shake down her brother, who works at Filene's Basement, for $50 for a pair of boots. Who the hell? What? Who does that? She's been at this shithole for all of like 8 days... Oh and did I mention that she calls the CFO her boo? Yeah, not to his face (I don't think) but when he walks by she'll giggle and say, "dat my boo."

Where do I find these people? I guess this will teach me for hiring someone because they said the phrase "Champagne taste on a Capri Sun budget" in the interview...

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Holla!

I effing love Google Analytics. Without it, I would've never known that somebody found my blog today by searching the exact phrase "deepthroat a dildo." While I am certainly not opposed to that kind of language, I'm fairly sure I've never used or typed that expression before in my life. Amazing!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Also-

one of the Google Image Search results for "Lawerence from Office Space" lead me to this photo-


which is nice, considering how I feel about these mozzarella douche-nozzles...

What do you get when you mix this:


With this:


Answer: the greasy haired mullet man that single-handedly destroyed our softball team last night. And his wife, who was also on the team, was just as scary. Yikes.

Friday, August 22, 2008

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



It's the one year anniversary of Vex and the City (dot blogspot dot com)!!! It seems like only yesterday I was obsessing over the Albino Python and her crazy antics.

Thanks for reading and here's to one more year of semi-regular, semi-entertaining posts! I love you all!

Oh hey!

Long time no see. I was feeling creatively tapped so I apologize for the lack of posts recently. I do have a few updates to report on:

1. Its official: I hate Focaccia. At least this time I have French Onion au jus to dip it in. I'm actually only using the disgusting flour-bread as a vessel to bring me the delicious French Onion flavor. Thanks Outback!

2. I'm going to Las Vegas in less than a month with my 3 childhood BFFs and I cannot wait!!!

3. One possible reason for the lack of creativity is that I've been taking an improv class at the UCB and maybe I use up all my funny there. Its fucking amazing and I can't believe its taken me this long to get into it. I'll keep you all posted on our final performance, it'll probably be a disaster- I mean hilarious.

4. I am really, really, genuinely hoping for a second season of Kid Nation. Seriously. It was easily one of the best shows that was on TV last year. For those of you who have never had the pleasure, I suggest watching all the episodes immediately.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Naga, naga, naga get another movie role...

Holy crap! The Indian guy from 40-Year-Old-Virgin was arrested. Peep this from CNN:

OCEANSIDE, California (AP) -- An actor who appeared in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" has been arrested for investigation of attempted murder after his former girlfriend was stabbed more than 20 times, leaving her critically injured, authorities said Tuesday.

Shelley Malil, 43, was arrested Monday in Oceanside when he got off a train from Los Angeles, Lt. Phil Brust of the San Diego County Sheriff's Department said in a statement. Malil had come to Oceanside to meet his attorney, who along with family and friends had persuaded him to turn himself in, police said.

On Sunday night, about 15 miles east in San Marcos, deputies answering reports of screams for help and breaking glass found a woman with multiple stab wounds and cuts on her face.

She was listed in critical condition Monday morning, but authorities did not know her condition early Tuesday.

"Malil and the victim had apparently been in a dating relationship which recently ended," the statement said.

Malil was arrested for investigation of attempted murder, mayhem and burglary, the statement said.

Did anyone else notice something funny? Like, the fact that one of the charges is for mayhem? Uh-oh everyone! The commotion police are out in full force... be careful not to cause a ruckus or face their wrath!!!

Oh wait, I just looked up the definition of mayhem and in the legal sense it is defined as 'the offense of willfully maiming or crippling a person.' Not so funny after all.

Monday, August 11, 2008

For the record-

I fucking hate focaccia.


Why do you taste like paste? You are a disgusting excuse for bread and whoever decided to use you to make sandwiches should be killed. Seriously, how do you ruin the perfect flavors of turkey, lettuce, tomato, and honey mustard? Oh, that's right... put it on focaccia.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

oh. my. dog.

I got up Saturday morning at about 8:30. I went into the bathroom and midway through my morning pee I saw something. I cannot even explain how this happened but I had to take a picture for proof (after waking Ben up to make him look at it, of course).



My dog, little baby Wadadli (who needs to stand on his back legs just to see over the edge of the bathtub) had somehow jumped into the tub, pooped, and gotten out in the middle of the night. WTF? Who poops in a tub? How did he get in there? How did he do his poop-dance???



Funny how they never mention this kind of thing on the Dog Whisperer...

Thursday, July 31, 2008

If I knew him, I'd give him the worlds biggest wedgie-


This poor kid, just when you think life can't get any worse... It's a Sunday night and all you want to do is emulate your favorite comic book villain but instead you end up getting thrown in the slammer looking like this:



Enjoy those group showers, I'm sure you'll be fine.



Thanks for the tip Jeff :)

Friday, July 18, 2008

Wait, what?


Anyone who has worked in the hospitality industry can appreciate this. Here is an actual application for employment.
I can't seem to make the image any larger but it says "Position(s) for which you are applying" in yellow and the pink, well, that's the real star of our show.

Amen, bitches.






Thanks for the laugh Joser :)

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Holy Irony!



Yeah, that's the actual photo of a man who was trying to meet a 14-year-old girl for sex. Fucking awesome.

For more details, the article is on MSNBC (please note the subcategory of Criminal Weirdness). I can't even *imagine* the hilarious banter Chris Hanson could have had with this guy- what a perfect set up...

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Reasons # 257-258 why I heart the midwest-

Yep, that's a medical waste container in the ladies room of the Minneapolis airport. So much Type 1 Diabetes, so little time...



Another treasure found in an airport bathroom. This one was in Detroit, which is apparently where Captain Obvious now resides. Side note- what are these people eating? From what I saw one flush could swallow an entire fruit basket.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

bone,bone,bone,bone,bone,bone,bone!

I know I haven't done anything good on here in a while but I swear that's going to change soon. Until then, let this little piece of delight tide you over:

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

On a sad note

George Carlin died on Sunday :*(

George, your masterpiece Brain Droppings was the first (and maybe only) book I purchased and read for pleasure since graduating college. And they can never take that away from you.

RIP you funny old fart.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Turns out-


its shingles :(

what the scratch?

I spent a long weekend in Chicago and all I have to show for it is a small cluster of insect bites on my elbow*. I have lost about 50% of the feeling in my left arm since Saturday morning, so that's cool. I looked on WebMD to see what the eff was going on and after answering just 2 questions it advised that I "seek medical attention immediately." Awesome. So my only option for a last minute doctor was to call one that I had been to previously. You all know where this is going- I have an appointment with doctor no glove in about 30 minutes. Tell your mamas to pray for me...



*actuallly I have the bites and several bags of goodies from Target, but we'll talk about that later.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

am i crazy?

Today there was a headline on MSN.com that read: "I married a terrorist": She fell for a bad guy. Does that seem a little modest to anyone else?

I mean, a 'bad guy' is someone who doesn't put any gas in the tank after driving your car all day or who eats the last hot wing without offering it to you. That's a bad guy. Not someone who plots to bomb cities (see: much, much worse).

But then again, what do I expect from a website whose largest headline is boasting the triumphant return of the one piece bathing suit?

Wanna feel all warm and fuzzy?



happy suck it, fuck you gaydouchefags!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Friday, May 30, 2008

Welcome to the Century Club

Hooray! This is officially the 100th post on Vex and the City! Who would have thought I'd actually stick with this blogging thing? It comes on the same day as the new SATC movie hits theatres- coincidence? I think so!

G's up, ho's down while you motha fuckas bounce to this:

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

down the hatch!

Does this look like the face of a hardcore criminal or just a grandma who accidentally walked through a room filled with farts?

If you said 'grandma who walked through farts' you'd be wrong. In an amazing attempt to shame violators and deter drunk driving, a Long Island police department has released the names, addresses, and mugshots of everyone arrested over the holiday weekend for a DWI or DUI. Here is the article and photo gallery from 1010wins...Clearly none of these fools won (harhar).

I love this. Its like looking through submission photos for an ugly-off. Good luck trying to meet your next 14 year old chatroom girlfriend Christopher Mackrodt, because when she Googles you, that picture is going to be the first thing she sees. As for you Kerri L. Boerner, you can kiss your dreams of being the token plus sized girl on the next season of ANTM goodbye... Tyra don't do DUI's, aiight?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Actual Conversation

Ok, I just found this post that I forgot to publish back in October. "Her" is the Albino Python.

Her: eric doesn't want outback today?
me: what?
Her: he doesn't want outback for lunch?
me: I don't know, I didn't ask.
Her: I'm ordering with out you.
me: what? oh.
Her: I'm getting a blt. Where can I get a good blt toasted?
me: what? *slow turn* I don't know, I've never ordered one.
Her: blake and todd is good, they have good bread but they don't toast it.
me: ok.
Her: maybe I'll try burger heaven, but then I have to write out all of these instructions. what if they don't put the mayo on the side?
me: what?
Her: no, I'm going to go to blake and todd and if they mess it up, I'll just call. maybe I'll say extra toasted? but not burnt, I really hope they don't burn it. that's what I'll do.
me: oh. ok, good.

Sometimes I really miss that pigmentally challenged bitch.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Imbeciles.

Please see the results of this weather.com poll I just came across:

How concerned are you about global warming?

Very concerned
32.4%
Somewhat concerned
17.0%
Not very concerned
11.5%
I'm not convinced it's true
38.8%

Really? 38.8% of people are not convinced global warming is true? Really?

Hey Em,

Please tell me your bridesmaid dress looked like this:



Simply stunning.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

God Help Her.

I was trying to be nice and not post this, but the more I thought about it, the more angry/sad I became. My future nephews mother (50% of his DNA supply) is one of those people who LOVES Myspace Bulletins. I usually try not to read them (mostly because I know that the machine for giving you back wasted time hasn't been invented yet) but yesterday I pushed better judgement aside and said what the heck! Here is one of the survey questions and her answer:
Why are cat ladies weird?
cause they're humans that look like fucking cats.........too odd for me


Every time I read it I die a little inside.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Here we go again

Looks like Wadadli loves Bon Jovi almost as much as his daddy does. I swear the song was playing before he started doing this:

Monday, May 12, 2008

Um...

Is it super nerdy that I wish I had the Periodic Table of Elements memorized? I just spent over an hour playing Chemistry Hangman and forgot that half of these things existed. I mean, who remembers Protactinium? Seriously. Thanks for nothing, Dennis Simi with your gold tooth/love of blond Lindas/words like anthrophormicity.

I also wish all of my gases were noble, but that's another story.

it puts the lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose again.

What do you get when you mix this:


with one of these:


?


Answer: The Albino Python with a Facebook profile! Run!!!!!!!!! Run for your lives- its too late for me! She's already unhinged her jaws and consumed half of my leg... er, I mean sent me a friend request.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

It is a sad, sad day :*(



It is the end of an era and a very sad day. It was announced yesterday that "Talk Sex" with Sue Johanson is going off the air. If you've never seen it you have no. fucking. clue. what you are missing.

Oh Sue, I will miss you and your Fuk-u-ok-u's and even your anatomically ambiguous puppets. Most of all, I'll miss your delightfully explicit hand gestures. We will always have Casa Loma, D2 (like the mighty ducks), Joel, Jordan, and that mutant Randy. Goodbye old friend- see you in Rerun Heaven!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

?

There was an entire brigade of police with semi-automatic weapons in the 59th street subway station this morning :( what the eff?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

sum-ah time y'all

It was so amazing out today that I was excited to run an errand and get out of this soul crushing vortex of negativity (otherwise known as my office). As I passed the Abercrombie and Fitch store on 5th, I was hit with the one drawback of the Manhattan summer breeze.

The doors of the A&F store were wide open and pumping out the most pungent frat-boy stench I've experienced since the days my life revolved around room temperature keg beer and bad decisions. The smell dominated 5th Avenue all the way down to 53rd Street (that's 2 city blocks away for those of you who don't live here). I guess its better than garbage.

So begins another fantastic NYC summer!

Friday, May 2, 2008

list de jour...

Mmm, that sounds good. I'll have that.


Watching that just now I discovered something new and awesome. At the 2:32 mark listen to the lyrics. Yup it says, "two foot of butt crack was all I could see..." and it sounds like Billy Ray (!) which brings me to my first point.

I'm so sick of hearing about Miley Cyrus and the Vanity Fair photo scandal. Boooooooring!

I have fallen in love with Myspace all over again and I don't really know why. I spent the better part of my day looking at random profiles and catching up on the lives of people that I really don't care about. It was nice.

I'm wondering if the above could get me fired. Well, more hoping than wondering. I need a new job stat so if anybody knows a guy who knows a guy- holla.

Did anyone hear the rumor that Mariah Carey married Nick Cannon? What the hell? That crazy old broad could be his mother. Maybe she thought it was a good idea considering all the press Josef Fritzl has been getting. I mean, she does have a new album dropping soon and doing it with kids is soooo hot right now.

No matter how hard I try, I still hate Facebook.

My boss thinks I have tourette's so he got me a post-it pad that has "Don't Fuck This Up" on the top. What's going to be even better is when I hand in my letter of resignation* written on that paper in red crayon.

Barbara Walters admitted to having an affair with a Massachusetts Senator in the 70's. Who the hell wants to think about that old bag of bones having sex?

I recently purchased a pair of yellow rubber rain boots and I could not love them more. It almost makes me wish for rainy days.

I really have to pee and want to leave soon so, later! Thanks to all my lovely readers who have been leaving comments. It gives me a boner in my special place.

Besos!

*assuming one of you a-holes can get me a new gig

Thursday, May 1, 2008

You've Just Been Pimped!


Did Xzibit stop by Vex? Because I swear to God somebody pimped my blog. What do you mean you didn't even notice? There's a new sentence under the title and I've also added links to three blogs that I enjoy.

I toyed with the idea of changing the colors/layout but there's something I really like about the dark dots. Perhaps they remind me of my mole covered body, which was once photographed nude by my pervy doctor who said he just wanted to "keep and eye on them." This is the same guy who licked his un-gloved fingers to turn a page of my chart after giving me a pretty thorough and again, un-gloved, physical- but I digress. So tell me what you think of the new and improved vexandthecity.blogspot.com!

Monday, April 28, 2008

I have offended a lot of people.

I decided today that I've really been an asshole from time to time and thought that this might make a fun list. So here they are, a few of my best/worst moments of being a person (in no particular order).

- In Jr. high my friend Phoebe invited me to a sleepover at her friend Kristen's house. I didn't know her very well and had never been to her house before so Phoebe was filling me in and then she told me Kristen had a blind dog. I had never heard of such a thing so naturally I thought she was lying to me. I watched the dog for like 5 minutes and it was getting around fine so I asked if she was just joking. Of course she said no, but I decided I had to do a quick test. As Phoebe was calling Peanut over to her I stepped in his path. Sure enough, Peanut ran into my legs at full speed and then kind of freaked out. Obviously I believed her after that.

- After an abrupt and sort of ugly break up, I told a guy that I was only talking to him the night we met so I could meet his friend. Although true, I was telling him purely to be a hateful bitch. Not a good color on me.

- I was at a birthday dinner and was one of two non-Jewish people at the table. One of the guys was talking about how he was a Sociology major in college but then switched to pre-law. I asked what made him change his mind and he said that he wanted to help people and really enjoyed Sociology, but he could make way more money as a lawyer- my reply was, "Oh, how Jewy of you." Faces and forks dropped. The record scratched then the music stopped and everyone just stared. I felt like an ant under a magnifying glass. I tried to defend myself with the whole 'my boyfriend is half Jewish so its ok if I say things like that' which went over like a fart in an elevator. Christ.

- I may have stolen your virginity, but its not like I love you. (This one still makes me laugh).

- A few of us were staying with a friend of a friend at Purdue for a cheap spring break. Now, this girl (I think her name was Emily?) didn't really seem to like me to begin with so I tried to turn on the old comedic charm. I was telling a story about the drive down from Michigan which turned into a 10 minute rant about how all truckers must be sexual perverts/molesters/degenerates. You see where this is going, don't you? My friend Katie turns to me and says, "Emily's dad is a truck driver." I began laughing out of discomfort but managed to say something like, "I'm sure your dad is a great guy who would never do that "I want to eat you out" hand gesture to a hot chick driving by."

Classy!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Werds

Here are some of my favorite mispronounced words of all time. These all come from people in my life:

1. Gooms (as in gums in your mouth and near your teeth)
2. Bajamas (pajamas but with a B?)
3. Fuss-trated (its frustrating having to hear it said this way so often)
4. Baa-yog (is how they say bag on the East Coast and I hate it)
5. Effisode (like how in German all P's are pronounced as F's)
6. Renember (I forget what's wrong with this one...)

That's all I got for now, folks.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Haiku

The street is quiet
Hearty laughter at your joke
Accidental fart


It's called Date Night and it's dedicated to K-Dub. Thank you for embracing my flaws, you are truly a dear friend.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

In other news-

My little baby dog had his first visit to the groomer this weekend. Such a disaster, there aren't even words to describe it. He looks like a cancer patient. I'm glad he has no concept of his own appearance, but momma does and she's traumatized.

BEFORE (furry and happy):

AFTER (naked and self-conscious):

It doesn't even look like the same animal *sigh*

importante.

My horoscope for the day according to MSN:
Aries
March 20 - April 19
Someone who is distraught or angry, perhaps a relative, might phone you up today, expecting a sympathetic ear and soothing words - and you'll be more than able to provide them. This is a great day for writing, dear Aries, whether a letter to a friend or the first chapter of an epic novel. Your abilities with words are operating at a high level, and if you're planning to teach or speak to a group, rest assured that the words will flow freely! Enjoy!

Friends, if you need a person to listen to your stupid problems and feed you some BS to make you feel better- I'm here for you. Basically I have a gift and have no choice but to share it with the world. So, you're welcome.

Also, could they have been more right on that last part? This blog post could very well be the first chapter of an epic novel. If by 'epic' you mean something nobody cares about and by 'novel' you mean something completely irrelevant to the world on every possible level.

Friday, April 11, 2008

New Things!

There are two new things that I've decided to be strongly against. One is having a motto. Like people who say they "work hard and play hard" or "carpe diem." It's just stupid and annoying and trite (thank you Mr. Pat O'Neil). Things like that always remind me of truck commercials aimed at low income mid-westerners.

I also hate certain brands of observational humor <--I use that term loosely. Sometimes it can be funny, but I'm referring to things like "if drinking and driving is illegal, why do bars have parking lots?" That is so dumb it hurts. My fingers literally cramped up while I was typing that.

Well, I'm off to grab the bull by the horns because I live each day to the fullest. Maybe after that I'll make some lemonade out of all of these lemons that life has just handed me. Bye!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I'm annoyed

at my lack of creativity/inspiration for a good blog post lately. I want to write mean things about several people but don't want to hurt any ones stupid feelings. Why are some people such bitches?

Oh and why are some females such embarrassing disgraces to our gender? Ladies, you have a few options 1) be intelligent/ talented/ witty/ funny/ entertaining or 2) just sit there, look cute, and for the love of all that is sacred shut. up.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

fyi...

Don't trust that Indian baby. I hear she's soooo two-faced.




And yes, I am aware that I'm going directly to hell.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Life updates:

Since I have time and there is virtually no one in my office today, I'd like to update all of you on a few things.

I currently have an alien life form trying to make its way out of my body via my ovaries. I swear to God I wish I could just die. Fuck fucking fuckers I hate cramps...

Wadadli can finally go for walks. He has yet to actually go to the bathroom outside (because that's what the rugs in the house are for, obviously) but at least his bowels have been relatively solid. Oh and last time we were at the vets I had them shave around his little butt-hole. They called it a sani-trim but I like to think of it as a reverse flavor saver. Dingleberry free in '08!

I won a case of wine at a work related luncheon which will only help to further my alcoholism. Hooray!!!

We are moving to a luxurious two bedroom apartment in Williamsburg Brooklyn on Tuesday. That means you should all be at our place at 9:00 a.m. with your helping hats on. I'll thank you with a freezer-burnt turkey or mimosas.

I will be mourning the loss of my proximity to Little Frankie's for the next few months. Feel free to send sympathy pizzas and pellepotini ragus to my new address.

Remember how I was wondering about Halle Berry's baby? A few days later she went into labor. You may think its a coincidence, I think its proof she is an avid Vex reader.

I'm playing on an office softball team. I already regret it and the season hasn't even begun yet.

My newest snack obsession is sea salt and vinegar kettle chips. I want eat them until my tongue is raw and full of sores. Delicious!

Sorry Ladies

I feel bad for women with kankles. There is absolutely nothing you can do for those. No exercise/diet/or even surgery can fix that mess. I saw a chick walking down the street wearing a cute little skirt but had her stumps of legs stuffed into a pair of Uggs, which are normally super loose on top. I felt so sorry for her. Then I realized she was wearing Uggs and probably deserved those cursed kankles for having such terrible, terrible fashion sense.

Oh yeah, my hatred of those Aussie monstrosities far surpasses my compassion for people with physical deformities.

xoxo!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Apparently, they poop.

After reading about Wadadli's bad day , I received this little anecdote from the one and only Phoebe "killer cross over" Peterson:

My dear Tundra woke me up the other night at 3am (I have to be up at 5am). She never gets up that early. As I'm deciding if I should ignore her or not, I breathe and choke on the outhouse raunchy smell in the air. She's not kidding around; she needs out. The smell worsens as I approach her crate in the dark. When I turn on the light in the kitchen, I notice she left poopy puppy prints on the floor. I check out her crate and there is crap smeared everywhere. All over her 3 blankets, the grooves of her favorite toy, the crate bars, and my carpet. I was cleaning for over an hour.

I took her to the vet. They suggested I cook for her. Tundra and I will be having boiled chicken and rice by candlelight tonight.

Who knew?

Monday, March 17, 2008

For the love of linguini...

Attention greasy Dego WOP Guidos everywhere- please stop doing this to your hair:

It does not elicit feelings of lust or attraction. Mostly it just makes people think that your stock portfolio includes things like Dep and Aqua Net.

Friday, March 14, 2008

I kan shares!



If you don't already know about I can has cheezburger check it out immediately. It always brings a smile to my stupid face.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

have I lost my manners?

I thought I was an asshole when I didn't offer the mother of two my seat on the train. Then that bitch kept bumping into my feet and legs with her stupid baby stroller. Um...that's what the little locks on the wheels are made for. Even better was when she sat down next to me and her and the kid who could stand started feasting on spiced meats. Don't people know it's against the subway riders code of decency to consume anything other than water on the train?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Sure, he looks sweet


This morning Wadadli was trying to squeeze out his morning dump and seemed to be having some difficulties. I went over to see what was wrong and he turned away from me, leaving a poop line on the white wall of the living room with his turd crayon. But that wasn't all. He started crying and smelled like microwaved diarrhea, so I checked his under-carriage. There was a half realized piece of poop that would not leave his tiny bowel. The part that managed to escape was embedding itself in his fur like a fucking CIA spy. I had no choice but to pull it out while weeding out the dingle-berries. I shook an enormous chunk off my hand and began to gag. I had to quit. I let him down and he proceeded to drip a few watery turds on the floor then drag his poopy butt over every rug in the house.

So, who wants to puppy sit?

Monday, March 10, 2008

1 reason I love my friends


I love you guys because the people sitting next to us in a restaurant will never have to hear us debate whether or not the chopped salad, hummus, and cheese plate will be "way too much" for three of us to split for dinner.

Why are girls so stupid?

Me-isms

It's been a while since my last list, so here is a totally un-cohesive compilation of what's been on my mind lately...

- Why is it always the same 5 fucking people who post bulletins on Myspace? And why are they usually questionnaires that were popular email forwards from 10 years ago? Uh, hey guys, you're in your mid-twenties- NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT WHO TEXTED YOU LAST! And please don't ever try and guess who is most likely to re-post because the answer is no one. Wow...That's been bugging me for a while.

- I despise springing forward.

- Where the hell is Hallie Berry's baby? Hasn't that bitch been pregnant for like 2 years now?

- I'm starting to have severe anxiety about getting older.

- Wadadli freakin' loves mango and watermelon. That's weird.

- I may have hired a replacement for the Albino Python. Since I got to pick her, she won't suck nearly as hard and therefore you will probably never hear stories about her. That makes me sad.

- I just realized that Sean Paul's "We Be Burnin'" is about weed. Then I realized how much of a prude-ish white girl I truly am.

- I want more comments from you assholes who come here and use me/my blog for your entertainment. This is bullshit. I know you read it and some of you even like it so put up or shut up. I mean, stop using me. Fuck.

- The series finale of The Wire was painfully disappointing.

- To the guy with the hard-salami burps on the subway this morning: FUCK YOU. You are nasty and I hope somebody farts directly into your mouth and you have no choice but to breath it in and digest it.

Damn that feels good.

Friday, March 7, 2008

last night-





I had a dream. A dream that I logged onto my blog and there were several comments on every post.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

;

In my 1 year and 6 months in this office, today was the first time ever that all three stalls were in use at the same time. It was really weird and not just because I got stuck in the middle one. It felt crowded and was like nobody was even breathing, let alone going- which made it totally creepy.

It made me long for the days when all I had to worry about was whether or not Turtleneck was judging me.

*if anybody understands the title of this post, you win a prize.

dear world,

fuck off. you make me bitter and angry and hate everything and everyone. so, thanks.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

homeless = tactless

I know that seems harsh but just hear me out. There are two vagrants I see on a regular basis and they both completely piss me off for different reasons. They happen to be at the same train stop and no matter what I do, I always see one or the other. I take the 6 home at night and if its nice out I'll walk from the Bleeker St. stop but if not I'll transfer to the F/V.

If I walk home, there is a little old white woman (who doesn't look the least bit homeless) that stands in the stairwell right before you make it out to the street with her Greek paper coffee cup. She waives it from side to side and sort of half looks up as you walk by. But she doesn't look desperate or hungry or needy. She just looks pissed that she's missing The People's Court, because that Judge Whopner is quite the looker. This old bitch probably lives in a $500 per month 2 bedroom rent stabilized co-op apartment and uses the money she earns in the subway to pay for her weekly Atlantic City blue hair bus trips. I just really want to punch her in her stupid, wrinkly, unenthusiastic mug. Is that so wrong?

Then there's the sleeper who's always on the bench when I transfer to the F/V. This guy stretches out, has his face covered by a hat, and smells like he is marinating in a fresh pant-load of self soil. So. Fucking. Nasty. But to top it off, he ALWAYS has one hand down the front of his pants. If I could get close without throwing up I'd like to tell him not to worry, nobody is going to try and steal it. Is this what a complete loss of dignity looks (smells) like?

Normally I have so much compassion for the homeless. I give money to the ones that sing or dance or tell a compelling story, I give food to the locals that hang out by my apartment, but this is something totally different. I never knew I could be so angry or disgusted as I am by these two. Am I heartless? Obviously not-because if I was I would have hit, kicked, whore-bathed, or spit on at least one of them by now.

Keep up the good work I suppose.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Furball

Hi guys! I know its been a while, my bad. I'll blame my bladder control issues and lack of wireless connection. You see, I'd blog from the throne but the wireless internet I set up (AKA "Freebird") hasn't worked since, well, since I set it up. Apparently I'm no Steve Jobs.

There are so many things to catch up on but I'll start with the biggest and best announcement since The Emancipation Proclamation, or am I thinking of the Emancipation of Mimi? I always get those two confused...either way this trumps both. We got a puppy!!! Yay! A tiny little furry ball of urine filled cuteness! We've had him for 5 days now and I love him (oh yeah, his name is Wadadli, after the native beer of Antigua).

Last night, Ben and I were sitting around our love nest playing with little Wadad's when he starting doing something to a U of M tee that we did not expect from a pup so young. Below is the video Ben took of Wadadli's first hump. Enjoy, perverts.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Oh rearry?

Here's another shout out to one of my favorite readers. Jose sent me the following and unless you're a total rice queen, be prepared for a challenge.

WIN 2 TICKETS ALL EXPENSES PAID INCLUDING AIR FARES TO THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES IN BEIJING, CHINA.

To participate is very easy, just view the attached photo, correctly answer the following questions and send your answers to:
International Olympic Committee, Private Bag, Lausanne, Switzerland.

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2. Which ones are male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group?
5. Which one is the teacher?





Thanks Joser! I've been looking for an excuse to use the term "rice queen" for months!

Friday, February 8, 2008

sweet mother of christ

I recently got an email from loyal Vex reader, Booger. It was pictures of this broad who had apparently gotten ribs removed in her quest for a tiny waste. I admit, I'm not 100% sure this is real but its way too creepy and confusing not to share with you guys.



Maybe these are from her geriatric dating profile, screen name: Tranny-tastic!



Final thought- if you were spending this much money on plastic surgery, why not start with fixing your busted face or getting your Adams apple removed? Happy New Year!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Close one

Thank you Virtual Apple/Oregon Trail online! As I was in the middle of my last post, a coworker- lets call him "boss of no one" (because he fancys himself so fucking important, yet is rather irreleveant) came up and started scanning my screen while pretending to ask me a question.

Now, since its 1000% unacceptable for anyone from my office to be reading this, let alone for me to be blogging on the clock, I had to think quick. So I excitedly asked, "OMG! Have you seen this?!?!" while fumbling to close my blog window and open up a new one. Good thing I had just linked to that game. I pulled it up and distracted BONO until somehow I got him to go back to his desk to play it.

He's like a stupid dog that you can jingle keys in front of its face, fake throw something, and then watch as he goes running after it. What a douche.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Sometimes...

- I drink 4 small bottles of water but feel more thirsty than I do after drinking 1 big bottle.

- you have to get over your fear of being known as a triple flusher to the girl who sits right outside the bathroom.

- stress is managable, because you can control how much you really give a shit.

- you find out that your 7th grade boyfriends baby sister is 18 and feel so shocked that you're convinced his parents adopted another one in between.

- it's ok if your lover calls you a wino.

- you need to take a mental health day at work and just catch up on your local news/myspace/email/youtube/play a little Classic Oregon Trail.

- celebrity gossip bores me to death.

- I hate people.

- you need to stop blogging so you can get home to poop, without careing about the number of flushes.

Baby, pour me a glass of Pinot and warm up that toilet seat. I'm on my way...

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Metrolyrics.com gives me a girl boner


My number one resolution of 2008 is to learn every fucking lyric of this song and to be able to deliver it like my man, Tupey.

Rest in peace homie.

But more likely, enjoy sipping Pina Coladas on a beach while being swarmed by thong-clad island girls wherever you're hiding out... Much love.

Hooray!!!!

Guess what I'm typing on? If you said, "the laptop that you brought to Circuit City to be fixed over two months ago that you were told was in china but were certain was being picked apart and sold to make GHB laced toys" then you are absolutely correct! This is better than the time I saw that homeless guys poopy butt on 55th Street!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Oh.

Side bar- when I was looking for the video below, the two most prominent "Ads by Google" were:

How I lost 55 lbs!!!
and
Are you gay? Do you like gay music? Take the gay quiz!!!

Really? So you're telling me the only people who listen to Boyz II Men are overweight homos? Not likely Google+Youtube, not likely*...

*But, if that is the case- GUILTY AS CHARGED, GIRL!!! Haaaaaay!

The End of an Era

At this point, I find its easier to express myself through music. See below and feel my most sincere pain:



I don't know how to break this to you guys without just saying it. The Albino Python is gone. Fired. Her employment has been terminated, effective 1/23/08. Oh God- I've said it but I'm still in shock. How *do* I say goodbye to what we had?

Albi, if you're out there, somewhere, in this big crazy universe, just know this: I'll take with me the memories, to be my sunshine after the rain...

I wonder if they have internet access in heaven?

Friday, January 18, 2008

Mama like!

I was youtubing some random music and came across this totally sweet vid. Just a couple of chicks doing an a cappella mix of great (girly) 90's songs. I thought the beat boxing was fake at first. Work it out, ladies!



After my bitchy post yesterday I figured you all needed proof that I don't hate everything...

Thursday, January 17, 2008

It's fun!

I was just reading an article on MSN where the Today Show asked it's viewers to share their top pets peeves and I realized that it's much more entertaining to hear people get up on their little soap boxes and be pissed off than to read about love and puppies and candy canes and rainbows.

I was actually starting to think that this blog is too negative, a downer even. Fuck that noise. I love bitching about stupid people and the things that annoy me (see: Albino Python). I hope you all feel the same.

Most of the pet peeves were pretty standard (chomping on gum, bad manners, toilet paper rolling up from the bottom, etc.) but there was one that I really enjoyed and needed to share. This comes from Anonymous in Glendale, AZ:
"I can't stand people who whistle — not catcalls by construction workers — I mean zipadee-do-da whistlers. I understand they are happy, but it just makes my ears bleed."


I love you Anonymous. We should be friends. If not friends, maybe we could just be two people who meet up on occasion and exchange philosophies. It's really hard to find people you can relate to and when you come across someone so completely and utterly in sync with your own skewed perception, you need to hang on to that person for dear life. With just one quote (that I *know* was better before being edited by the man) you've managed to win me over. I feel you- I fucking hate whistlers. I fucking hate yellow wearing, happy-go-lucky, life's not so bad, at least we've got our health, look on the bright side mother fuckers.

But I fucking love me some dirty catcalls. Holla.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I live a sad life

The most joy I've experienced all day was when the stupid Albino Python was on the phone trying to order a God-knows-what from God-knows-where and she kept getting put on hold and/or transferred, thereby getting angrier by the second. She'd mumble under her breath until somebody would pick up and she'd say, "yes? hello," start bitching and then get transferred or put on hold again.

It was a beautifully vicious cycle. And then I realized how much pleasure I was getting from witnessing the mental decline of someone I know has a severe chemical imbalance and that's just not right.

My life is as cheerful as a goddamn Ben Folds Christmas... Anyone know where I can get a quick 'srip for some Prozac?

Friday, January 4, 2008

Happy 2008!

There are so many things I want to say about this new year and I also really want to reflect on last year! Both of those will have to wait. It appears the Albino Python is trying to revamp her image. Yesterday she had a semi-trendy outfit on. Jeans tucked into boots. Please note that they were mom jeans and the boots were orthopedic, but still, she tried. Weird.

Today it was back to the smart business blazer over the pressed and starched white button down. But then, I made a comment about Amy Fisher's sex tape with her husband and this girl starts dropping F bombs on me! I have worked with her for over a year and have never heard that word come out of her mouth, then all of a sudden she's so passionate over Amy Fisher she uses it twice in one sentence? What? Is this her idea of a New Years resolution?

Albi, you're really starting to freak me out. Please stop.