Friday, March 28, 2008

Life updates:

Since I have time and there is virtually no one in my office today, I'd like to update all of you on a few things.

I currently have an alien life form trying to make its way out of my body via my ovaries. I swear to God I wish I could just die. Fuck fucking fuckers I hate cramps...

Wadadli can finally go for walks. He has yet to actually go to the bathroom outside (because that's what the rugs in the house are for, obviously) but at least his bowels have been relatively solid. Oh and last time we were at the vets I had them shave around his little butt-hole. They called it a sani-trim but I like to think of it as a reverse flavor saver. Dingleberry free in '08!

I won a case of wine at a work related luncheon which will only help to further my alcoholism. Hooray!!!

We are moving to a luxurious two bedroom apartment in Williamsburg Brooklyn on Tuesday. That means you should all be at our place at 9:00 a.m. with your helping hats on. I'll thank you with a freezer-burnt turkey or mimosas.

I will be mourning the loss of my proximity to Little Frankie's for the next few months. Feel free to send sympathy pizzas and pellepotini ragus to my new address.

Remember how I was wondering about Halle Berry's baby? A few days later she went into labor. You may think its a coincidence, I think its proof she is an avid Vex reader.

I'm playing on an office softball team. I already regret it and the season hasn't even begun yet.

My newest snack obsession is sea salt and vinegar kettle chips. I want eat them until my tongue is raw and full of sores. Delicious!

Sorry Ladies

I feel bad for women with kankles. There is absolutely nothing you can do for those. No exercise/diet/or even surgery can fix that mess. I saw a chick walking down the street wearing a cute little skirt but had her stumps of legs stuffed into a pair of Uggs, which are normally super loose on top. I felt so sorry for her. Then I realized she was wearing Uggs and probably deserved those cursed kankles for having such terrible, terrible fashion sense.

Oh yeah, my hatred of those Aussie monstrosities far surpasses my compassion for people with physical deformities.


Sunday, March 23, 2008

Apparently, they poop.

After reading about Wadadli's bad day , I received this little anecdote from the one and only Phoebe "killer cross over" Peterson:

My dear Tundra woke me up the other night at 3am (I have to be up at 5am). She never gets up that early. As I'm deciding if I should ignore her or not, I breathe and choke on the outhouse raunchy smell in the air. She's not kidding around; she needs out. The smell worsens as I approach her crate in the dark. When I turn on the light in the kitchen, I notice she left poopy puppy prints on the floor. I check out her crate and there is crap smeared everywhere. All over her 3 blankets, the grooves of her favorite toy, the crate bars, and my carpet. I was cleaning for over an hour.

I took her to the vet. They suggested I cook for her. Tundra and I will be having boiled chicken and rice by candlelight tonight.

Who knew?

Monday, March 17, 2008

For the love of linguini...

Attention greasy Dego WOP Guidos everywhere- please stop doing this to your hair:

It does not elicit feelings of lust or attraction. Mostly it just makes people think that your stock portfolio includes things like Dep and Aqua Net.

Friday, March 14, 2008

I kan shares!

If you don't already know about I can has cheezburger check it out immediately. It always brings a smile to my stupid face.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

have I lost my manners?

I thought I was an asshole when I didn't offer the mother of two my seat on the train. Then that bitch kept bumping into my feet and legs with her stupid baby stroller. Um...that's what the little locks on the wheels are made for. Even better was when she sat down next to me and her and the kid who could stand started feasting on spiced meats. Don't people know it's against the subway riders code of decency to consume anything other than water on the train?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Sure, he looks sweet

This morning Wadadli was trying to squeeze out his morning dump and seemed to be having some difficulties. I went over to see what was wrong and he turned away from me, leaving a poop line on the white wall of the living room with his turd crayon. But that wasn't all. He started crying and smelled like microwaved diarrhea, so I checked his under-carriage. There was a half realized piece of poop that would not leave his tiny bowel. The part that managed to escape was embedding itself in his fur like a fucking CIA spy. I had no choice but to pull it out while weeding out the dingle-berries. I shook an enormous chunk off my hand and began to gag. I had to quit. I let him down and he proceeded to drip a few watery turds on the floor then drag his poopy butt over every rug in the house.

So, who wants to puppy sit?

Monday, March 10, 2008

1 reason I love my friends

I love you guys because the people sitting next to us in a restaurant will never have to hear us debate whether or not the chopped salad, hummus, and cheese plate will be "way too much" for three of us to split for dinner.

Why are girls so stupid?


It's been a while since my last list, so here is a totally un-cohesive compilation of what's been on my mind lately...

- Why is it always the same 5 fucking people who post bulletins on Myspace? And why are they usually questionnaires that were popular email forwards from 10 years ago? Uh, hey guys, you're in your mid-twenties- NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT WHO TEXTED YOU LAST! And please don't ever try and guess who is most likely to re-post because the answer is no one. Wow...That's been bugging me for a while.

- I despise springing forward.

- Where the hell is Hallie Berry's baby? Hasn't that bitch been pregnant for like 2 years now?

- I'm starting to have severe anxiety about getting older.

- Wadadli freakin' loves mango and watermelon. That's weird.

- I may have hired a replacement for the Albino Python. Since I got to pick her, she won't suck nearly as hard and therefore you will probably never hear stories about her. That makes me sad.

- I just realized that Sean Paul's "We Be Burnin'" is about weed. Then I realized how much of a prude-ish white girl I truly am.

- I want more comments from you assholes who come here and use me/my blog for your entertainment. This is bullshit. I know you read it and some of you even like it so put up or shut up. I mean, stop using me. Fuck.

- The series finale of The Wire was painfully disappointing.

- To the guy with the hard-salami burps on the subway this morning: FUCK YOU. You are nasty and I hope somebody farts directly into your mouth and you have no choice but to breath it in and digest it.

Damn that feels good.

Friday, March 7, 2008

last night-

I had a dream. A dream that I logged onto my blog and there were several comments on every post.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008


In my 1 year and 6 months in this office, today was the first time ever that all three stalls were in use at the same time. It was really weird and not just because I got stuck in the middle one. It felt crowded and was like nobody was even breathing, let alone going- which made it totally creepy.

It made me long for the days when all I had to worry about was whether or not Turtleneck was judging me.

*if anybody understands the title of this post, you win a prize.

dear world,

fuck off. you make me bitter and angry and hate everything and everyone. so, thanks.