Thursday, December 20, 2007

I wonder...

What ever happened to Rick Berka? My guess is things went one of two ways for him. He either ended up like this guy:

Or this guy:


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I am an important, valued citizen

How do I know that? Judging by the email I just got from
Congressman Bart Stupak, I'd say its pretty clear. Why else would the Congressman want *me* to receive his precious left-wing propaganda?

What's that? You're so interested you'd like to see the actual email? Ok, fine but I'm editing out my address:

December 17, 2007

My Full Name (it even had my middle name)
555 East Something Street
Atownin, Michigan 00000

Dear Real Name:

I am committed to serving the men and women who have answered our nation's call for military service, and am honored to represent our nation's veterans, servicemen and women, and their families in Congress.

I did not vote for the war in Iraq, and I am saddened over the unabated violence with no end in sight. I have and will continue to call on the Administration to develop a plan to transfer military security to the Iraqi government and bring our troops home.

Although I did not vote to authorize the war in Iraq, I robustly support the young men and women in the Armed Services who are putting their lives in harm's way every day. The sacrifices they-and all veterans-have made for our country deserve to be honored.


Member of Congress

Yup. Pretty sweet. Don't be too jealous though- I'm sure your state Congressman cares about you too...

Monday, December 17, 2007


I had a dream last night that I was buddies with Suri Cruise. Not her babysitter, but her friend. And we were hanging out. Isn't that weird? I mean, she's a cute kid and all, but what the hell?

And sadly, there is no definition for befriending a celebrity baby in my dream dictionary.

Friday, December 14, 2007

um, yeah

I just overheard my boss say, "Two millions dollars? Pocket change."

It's times like this that my over-worked/under-paid ass wishes there was a big rowdy crowd around to help me relay this message.

Love you, corporate America.


Living in New York, I find it's the small things that can really make or break my day. I love when I find an open seat on the train or can just lean against the door and not have to grab one of those creepy germ infested poles. This saves me from obsessing over touching other things. I would hate to cross contaminate and spread subway filth onto my face, hair, cell phone, lip gloss, or Ipod after holding on during transit. That is one of my greatest fears in life. If you live here you know what I'm talking about. If not, I couldn't even begin to describe.

Today on my way to work, I caught both trains without having to wait and without touching anything on either one!

And so begins another beautiful day in the city...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Albino Psycho?

Oh my Christ... this bitch is stealing my identity. She just went on a 3 minute rant about her love of buffalo sauce. Obsession with buffalo sauce, really? Sounds vaguely familiar. She claimed she'd eat "anything in buffalo sauce." I swear she was about to say she'd eat a shoe if it was deep-fried and covered in buffalo sauce, then I would have flipped my shit.

What the hell? Is she studying my lunch habits? Memorizing my Myspace page? Inside my head? Is she reading this right now? You wouldn't even know what a buffalo sauce was without me!!! What next? Are you going to trade in your Nora Jones CD for something by N.W.A.? Maybe swap Eminem for Feist?

This means war- and it's about to get real ugly up in this bitch. It's on, you bloodless freak.

It. Is. On.

Friday, December 7, 2007


The Albino Python just looked over at me and asked, "what do you use on your lips? I have so much trouble keeping mine moist and hydrated this time of year." It was her tone more so than the text that disturbed me.

Oh and then she made a sexually suggestive motion with her mouth... Ok, that part was a lie, but its still fucking creepy. I feel like I'm in my own personal crying game.


Just because something sounds good does not necessarily mean it is good. Case in point: Coffeemate Eggnog flavored nondairy creamer *shudders* ...and normally I freakin' love me some nog.

After getting hooked on the International Delights Pumpkin Spice that was out over Thanksgiving, *fake orgasm* I decided to try another new flavor. While in the dairy aisle a few weeks ago I called Jeff (coffee creamer connoisseur) to get his opinion. He told me which ones he thought were yummy and which ones to stay away from. But every time I'd go to the store I would forget which ones he mentioned. All I could remember was Peppermint Mocha = Awesome, but they never have that one in stock. So I call, tell him whats available, and end up getting boring French Vanilla as usual.

Well, last night I called him but he didn't answer so I grabbed the Eggnog flavor, hoping to discover my new seasonal favorite. Once he FINALLY called me back he mocked me/my choice, but I woke up today with a really good feeling about this stuff. Boy, was I wrong. This garbage ruined my entire morning! Sorry Jeff, next time I'll pay more attention to you and not just cross my fingers that you'll be home every time I'm at the grocery store.

Now where the hell is my Peppermint Mocha?!?!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007


The Albino Python was just on the phone and kept using the phrase "noon time." Isn't that a little redundant? Isn't noon a time? Don't you automatically assume when someone says it that they are referring to a certain point during the day and not, say, a unit of measuring puppies?

The only explanation I could come up with was if she had a thick Scottish accent and her 'noon' sounded like 'none' (just try it). But I doubt she is Scottish and I am certain she doesn't have an accent, so I suppose that just makes her unpleasant.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007 had me at C3PO

I have fallen in love with someone. Seriously in love and I don't know why I've waited so long to share him with all of you. Maybe I was being selfish, perhaps just a little ashamed, but now I want the world to know! Please visit his myspace page and get acquainted.

His name is Gay Robot and he is absolutely fabulous!

Monday, December 3, 2007


I wanted December to be a record month for my blogging, and so far I'm totally dropping the ball. Maybe tomorrow I'll be fun and witty and get a few lol's. I'm blaming my seasonal affective disorder and this will be my excuse until it's finally warm enough for me to leave my apartment for pleasure, rather than just for coffee and tampons.

So tonight, I'm looking forward to being cuddled up on the couch in my sexy sweatpants, eating some delicious delivery, and watching the two best shows presently on television (Heroes and Nimrod Nation). I'm crossing my fingers for a little more sweaty, shirtless Peter Petrelli in the first one and a little less sweaty, shirtless puberty stricken teen in the second.

Wish me luck!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Fuck the man

I really, really, really hate my job today. I want to quit and live the rest of my life on the streets with my stupid face in a bottle of MadDog 20/20.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


What plays a sweet ass keytar, sounds like Peter Frampton, and dances like sexual hell on wheels? If you answered Snoop Dog in his erotic new video, Sensual Seduction, then you are 1,000% correct!

Don't believe me? Dig this dy-no-mite video, jive turkey.

Something that fascinated me:

Today I saw a puddle of barf directly under two mail boxes, but there wasn't any barf on the mail boxes themselves. Not even a bit of back-splash or a chunk of corn. Isn't that weird? How did someone puke that much and yet manage to maintain the integrity of government property?

I truly believe that New York is a magical city.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Single tear

I found out today that my beloved intern is no longer with us. Not like that- I mean she didn't die or anything, she just got fired. I guess that means its back to fixating on the Albino Python! Admit it, you've missed her...

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


Last week, this genius was observing the casual Friday dress code. I couldn't help but notice that she was wearing Acne brand jeans. I know with endorsements by people like Jessica Simpson, Diddy, and Kelly Clarkson bad skin is really hot right now, but who would pick that as the name of their denim empire? Moreover, who would buy something with such a name? It just makes me think her ass and legs must be covered in zits- and that makes me gag. So now she's not just the worlds most annoying and unskilled intern, she also makes me nauseous.

Oh fashion, you're so funny sometimes! What next, psoriasis accessories? Maybe gonorrhea shoes? Sounds infectious! Let's get em!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Top 3

Here are my top three most hated advertisements in the New York City subway system:

3. This doesn't technically fall under the advertisement umbrella but F you, this is my blog. There is a sign in the train that says something along the lines of, "Want to visit a NYC museum? Just look around, you're surrounded by art!" And by 'art' they mean shit like this and this. Are. You. Kidding... Bling aka hand? Rabbit Transit? Even the names make me want to punch a baby. I mean, they just make me mad. I usually see these things on my way home from work, so its no wonder I've picked up such a charming little drinking habit. *GULP*

2. "Got an illegal gun? Next stop... PRISON!!!" Get it? Because you're on the train? If I had an illegal gun I'd shoot something every time I saw that sign until, finally, they would call me the Illegal Gun Having Killer or Subway Serial Shooter, or some other lame ass name. Maybe somebody like Dr. Hannibal Lector will eventually shed some sociopathic insight on the fact that I only have homicidal rage when that sign is around. I don't know.

1. But what takes the cake??? The Good Day Dance (pictured above). I wish you could actually see the illustrations. They do the worst play-by-play of this 'dance' I have ever seen. To see most annoying video of your life, go here and click on 'Watch the Good Day crew do the Good Day Dance.' It makes my face melt off. There aren't even words for how much I loathe this, I almost threw my computer out the window after watching it. Who comes up with this shit? Do they think people are inspired or entertained by this? OH MY GOD! But I do think it's funny how they have the black guy doing the only move that seems to require any sort of rhythm (while the white guy has a hard time making hand clapping look non-douchey). Roll up, roll down bitches.

Now I need a drink.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Here's one

I thought of a fun list. The following are things that I do that annoy Ben (but honestly, I don't think are that big of a deal):

- When I start plucking his errant hairs (eyebrow, face, neck, etc.) and can't stop until my eyes hurt
- When I put on sweatpants that are 3x's too big as soon as I get home from work (he wonders how much poop I can fit in them*)
- When I fart and don't claim it... usually it's just the two of us
- When I constantly bother him while he's working because I'm bored and there isn't anything good on TV
- When I try to pick at things** on his arms or back
- When he gives me the shortest book in the house (with the largest font) and two months later I'm still only on chapter 4

Feel free to add more.

*For the record, it would be a lot. I could fit *tons* of poop in these sweatpants

** Unless it's a skin tag, then he freakin' begs me to pick and pull on it


To all my loyal reader,

No, that's not supposed to be plural.

I'm sorry I've been slacking. My computer crapped out on me and now I have to bribe Ben to let me use his. Since the computer is his livelihood, it's no easy task. I don't enjoying having to force my creativity/hilarity into whenever he gets up to take a dump or go for a run. So anyways, thanks for reading and I love you.

Friday, November 9, 2007

I went into Forever 21 tonight...

and realized I'm not.

How sad.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Pubic in Public

Why do guys think its ok to scratch their balls in public? On my way to work yesterday there was a Seth Rogen looking dude standing in front of me who kept um, molesting himself. He was doing it so often I decided to keep count (please don't judge, I forgot my Ipod and had nothing to read).

From 49th Street to 59th and Lexington (3 stops) he had made contact with his business 14 times. Now, this was not 14 individual 'scratches' because that would have been impossible to keep track of. The guy was using two hands at the same time as if he were trying to scratch himself a vagina. I thought he was going to start a fire on the train.

I just want to know why... No, not why he was scratching the scrotum off of his balls, but why was I so fascinated that I had to keep a mental record of the frequency? God, I'm such a perv.

It's right around the corner

Christmas I mean, and for the last few years I've been one of those people who waits until 2 weeks before to start shopping. I'm trying to think of gifts for people now so I don't have to stress about it later. So far I'm much, much worse at pre-planning and should probably just stick to the last minute gifting as usual. Here's proof:

Everyday on my way to work, I see the same advertisement for this doctor on the upper east side. He is a podiatrist who specializes in "city feet." I don't even know what that means but the pictures are disgusting. I guess he's the leader in sawing off corns and lopping off bunions in NYC.

This is the only thing I can think of to get for Ben. He's got what we used to call hammer toes, now I know it is actually a deformity called hallux valgus. Is corrective surgery considered an original and thoughtful gift? I mean, its better than socks and a sweater, right?

Monday, October 29, 2007


Sweet Jesus, it's f-ing freezing out today.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

oh Lord

If anyone reads this, now is your chance to shape the future. The Albino Python asked me if I wanted to get together for drinks next week. Ugh. I haven't replied yet.

Obviously my gut tells me to say, "Why don't you go out for drinks of bleach by yourself, and I'll meet you at the morgue?" While my head tells me that there may be a funny blog post somewhere in this three hours of soul-draining socializing.

What do you guys think? Do I just say no, like I was taught throughout my youth, or do I throw caution and common sense to the wind like a schoolgirl on prom night? I'm only even *entertaining* the idea of going out with her for you, my 3 readers... and if I fail to get a comment on this post, I may retire from the blog-o-sphere all together.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

*Magically Delicious*

David Copperfield is being accused of sexual harassment. David Copperfield, sexual predator??? I think not. I have a few theories on why this is must be a false accusation and he will never be prosecuted:

1. If you ever actually had any sort of sexual contact with this guy, would you go around telling people?

2. He's totally gay.

3. He's a magician. Don't believe in magic? Then how do you explain the Statue of Liberty disappearing on live television or how for years, he made it appear that he was sticking it to Claudia Schiffer when in fact, it was Dumbledore the whole time? The guy is good.

With one wave of his wand this hippie from Seattle would be extinct. So lady, get off his crystal balls. Leave David Alone!

Friday, October 19, 2007


We have a new intern. She's nice, but what an idiot. Her phone kept ringing today, so finally I turned around and told her (in a very nonthreatening tone), "Newbie, you can answer the phone. If it rings that means someone is calling you and wants to talk to you." Newbie nervously replies, "Oh, um, OK." short pause, "What do I say when I pick it up?"

Jesus. H. Christ. Really?

I took a deep breath in, let it out slowly, then replied, "I don't, how about hello? Or *her name*? Or *company name*? Probably something like that. Stay away from things like Duane Reade or Johns Pizzeria, as that might be misleading."

This was only the beginning. I honestly want to know how people like her survive. I would have thought for sure she would have swallowed her own tongue by now or just forgotten to keep breathing.

Look for more posts to come on this little blond box of rocks!

Thursday, October 18, 2007


I saw a girl on the train with a catalogue that looked like Eastbay. It brought back some very fond memories for me. Remember how awesome it was to flip through the back-to-school version looking for new kicks? Followed by the thrill and anticipation of waiting the 3-5 weeks for delivery... How about strength shoes? I still have mine even though they're about 3 sizes too big.

Or if you were a serious baller and had the time/means of getting to the summer tent sale in Wausua... that was the shit! I once bought a Florida Seminoles Football jacket there because, aside from the fact that it was the only thing that even came close to fitting me, it had a totally sweet Nike swoosh on it.

Come on bitches, what was your favorite Eastbay purchase over the years?

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Someone used up all of the half & half... The only thing left for my coffee is soy milk. Yuck! What am I supposed to do now, drink it black? What if I never go back?

Hello Clarice

She-devil keeps laughing out loud at something. To the point where either a) she is trying to make me test my theory of "if an Albino Python gets pushed out of a window on the 21st floor, does anyone even care" or b) she really wants me to ask her what is so funny.

I'd much rather try 'a' than strike up a convo with this turd. She has done this to me before and it always ends up with me having to read some stupid ass email that's not even funny. Not even remotely funny. Probably not even in the same hemisphere as funny. But her laughter is like the crying of baby lambs as they're being slaughtered. What do I do Dr. Lector? Dr. Lector???

PS. Am I starting to sound obsessed? Because I promise I am not obsessed. I've just never had such strong feelings of rage and hatred before. That's all. Totally normal, right?

*rocks back and forth on the floor while eating sand*

Monday, October 15, 2007


I just stood in line at the post office for an hour and a half. It was one of the most irritating things I have had to do- I just kept getting more and more bitter. Thank baby Jesus born in a manger for Brickbraker. Even that got screwed though, some bitch bumped me as I was on the verge of beat my own personal high score... After that disappointment I decided I should do my second favorite thing- people watch/eves drop. Here is a quick synopsis of the fuggos I was in line with:

First there was the most pear-shaped man I had ever seen, he was wearing an argyle sweater-vest to make matters worse.

Next I noticed the pregnant woman whose fetus was sitting so low it looked like her bladder was pregnant with sextuplets. Seriously gross, I wasn't the only one staring.

Then we had the 4' tall Asian woman with the cell phone flare. Why do you need charms hanging off of your MotoRazr anyways?

But my favorite had to be the dumpy Donna on the phone with her friend who had apparently just broken up with her fiance. This chick was bit-ter! She kept saying things like, "I don't think it's appropriate for you to be dating yet. If I met someone who had just broken off their engagement I would think, like, whoa, there's something wrong here. You just need some 'you' time." OMG, run sister. This bitch is single white femaling your ass! Seriously, if your newly single friend wants to go out and fuck around, don't hate because you're too annoying to get a boyfriend.

Judging by how she looked and the way she spoke, all I could think was that Donna, in line at the post office, is someone else's Albino Python.

At least now I don't feel so alone.


Hey everyone! My brothers girlfriend is pregnant!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007


Is it ironic when someone misspells the word "intelligence" or just plain dumb?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Oh my.

He was clearly a man. Everything about him screamed, "hey everyone, look at me. I'm just a regular dude and a guy. I was obviously born with a wiener." He had on a black 90's era over sized tank top, baseball hat, and a pair of formerly white Asics. Normal, right?

That's what I thought too, until I noticed his lime green denim mini and giraffe-like (not to mention baby smooth) legs. Seriously beautiful legs. I was amazed and had to get closer. He was carrying a bag from the Levi's Store. I had to see what was in it. Maybe that bag held a clue or could help explain the random outfit, although I don't know was hoping for.

I finally ran down the subway steps and was close enough to peer over his shoulder into the bag... and what do you think was in that bag? Nope, not poop stained sweatpants. Another denim miniskirt. Only this one was a more versatile, everyday blue jean color.

Amen, New York. Amen.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007


Did anyone else catch the season premiere of Heroes last night? What did you think? Am I the only one who was less than enthused? The best part was the last 30 seconds when Peter Petrelli made his "surprise" return with a hot new hair cut! I can not *wait* for his water torture scenes...
I love you all and cherish your opinions.

Friday, September 21, 2007


Thank you Steelecase office chair for discreetly absorbing one of the longest and most satisfying farts of my life. I promise to Febreeze you on Monday.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Beyond Awesome

I know a lot of you have been wondering if I'd do a follow up post on the office temp. Well then, it's your lucky day... Like the Chicago Bulls of the early 90's, today makes it an official three-pete! Three days of banana clip madness and mayhem! Because one day is just. not. enough.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

A work in progress

Some of my all time favorite quotes from the Albino Python:

Excerpts from her daily telephone conversations:

"What is the meaning of this!?!?!"
"I'd like to speak to your supervisor, I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"This is absurd!"
"I am the assistant to the President!"
"This is unacceptable, my client demands a refund."

When speaking to me:

"I've just got so much going on today!"
"What are you getting for lunch?"
"Yes!" (like how we all used to say it as kids while doing that side fist pull down gesture)
Any story that starts with, "My ex-boyfriend..."
Any question that begins with, "What are you up to tonight?"

*please note that by "favorite quotes" I mean reasons why I hate her.


The accounting temp at my office is wearing a banana clip in her hair!
Maybe I'll see if she wants to meet me and Andrea Zuckerman at the Peach Pit later for mega-burgers.

Monday, September 10, 2007


On my way home from work today there was an old Asian man walking in front of me with a pretty sweet stride. He was speed walking and at the same time swinging his little arms from left to right with great intention. It looked like a tiny multicultural version of Richard Simmons in a Sweatin' to the Oldies segment. So not only was this guy good at math, he was also in the best shape of his life. Man, some people really do have it all...

Things I like and wish my job revolved around

In no particular order:

-Plucking hairs with tweezers
-Watching TV, almost anything
-Plucking hairs with my fingernails
-Football season
-Terry from Reno 911
-Making lists
-Smushy faced little puppies
-Celebrity Gossip
-The gays
-Laying on the beach
-Day drinking
-Buffalo flavored foods- wings, pretzel nibs, and shrimp (you haven't? Oh, you really must!)
-Being able to wear light layers

Does anyone know of any openings?

It's Britney, baaatch!

To call Britney Spears' comeback performance at the VMA's a train wreck, is insulting to Amtrak. Really there's nothing I could say about her that hasn't already been said, so instead I have a question about the song, Gimme More. Am I the only one wondering, what? Give you more of what, Brit? Below is a list of possible answers to that question.

-Red Bull and Vodka
-Rehersal time
-Strawberry, pineapple, and Percocet smoothies
-Things to shave

Did I miss any?

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I love you, online news!

The headline on MSN reads "Lawyer: Senate should not probe Craig..."

But what comes after the ellipses?

My guess is it goes a little something like this: "Lawyer: Senate should not probe Craig... until given the proper number of foot taps to do so."

Ohhh! Zinger!!!

Tuesday, September 4, 2007


Today, the albino python was really nice and brought me in the best coconut macaroon I have ever had. She got it in Boston while she was there for her uncle's funeral. This comes days after I might have said she was just going on a long weekend and the whole dead uncle thing was B.S. I may have also said that she is disturbingly pale and creepy. It was also alleged that I would rather use a tampon made out of porcupine spikes and lemon juice than to have to talk to her, but that one is probably just a rumor.
So, I guess this is my way of saying I'm sorry and thanks for the snack, Albi.

Dear Lunch,

I love you Pump Energy Foods, but I HATE your falafel salad.

Thank you.

Monday, September 3, 2007

F U Labor Day

I'm trying to work from home today and I keep coming up with nothing. Could it be that my phone is ringing more today than it has in the past week? Could it be the fact that the air conditioner is freezing my entire left side (but when it's off, I'm much too warm)? Could it just be my ADD?

Today I found out that my favorite Puerto Rican is leaving and it hurts my heart. He was one of the first real friends I made here, and one of the few people who knows how truly crazy I can be... Anyways, it's sad that he's moving. What might be even worse is, I don't think he realizes that there are no Puerto Rican Day Parades in Atlanta. Now what?

So there was that, followed by a totally random phone conversation I didn't care to have. I don't even know why I answered. It's the unofficial last day of summer and I have only been tan twice. Both times were the aftermath of severe sunburn. I am already getting depressed, I guess my seasonal affective disorder kicks in at the mere thought of it getting colder. I don't even have the comfort of day drinking at a backyard BBQ to make today less shitty. I hate Labor Day.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Tiger Woods?

What is it with middle aged men having perpetual boners for golf? I just spent the last 4 hours listening to a guy yammer on about par, tee times, 9-irons, and a play by play of the last PGA tourney. Christ.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Word De Jour

The buzz is still going on this Nintendo Wii. My 25 year old BFF just got one and it appears to have already worked itself into his daily routine (as well as into his Myspace photo album).

WTF? Am I missing something? What's the big deal with this game? Has the whole world gone Wii-tarded*?

*patent pending, eat it urbandictionary.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I just got called "Sir" on the phone

Which is funny considering I sound like a 12 year old boy.

Friday, August 24, 2007


Who says that smell is the strongest sense tied to memory? I started listening to this extremely random station at work today and was flooded with thoughts that took me back to some pretty awesome places/times in my life. Below are a few highlights.

Greenday, Time of your Life- Leaving for college for the first time and listening to my BFF cd from my BFF, smoking 100 cigarettes, crying my face off and already feeling homesick.

Spin Doctors, Little Miss Can't be Wrong- My 7th grade b-day party, where Murphy's Law was in full effect. Under age drinking, bawling Catholic School girls, indoor snowball fights, little Tony seeing his first bra, the defacing of Chicago Bulls paraphernalia, and of course, Bobbo storming out and saying, "Tell that bitch I said happy birthday!" I can still feel the love!

Corey Hart, Never Surrender- This was one of my top three* favorite songs when I was a tiny, tasteless child.
*The other two were We Built this City by Starship and I Ain't Missing You by John Waite. No wonder I never made it as a music critic.

Bob Seger, Turn the Page- That one is a tie between CB(now CC)'s vintage Silver Bullet Band tee from college and when BJ surprised me with tickets for the Seger concert at MSG last year... If you're wondering if we had passes to get into the after party to meet the saxophone player, the answer would be yes!

Bon Jovi, Wanted Dead or Alive- Playing office hockey, a white Jeep Cherokee, and having braces. And Leanne Rhymes, ugh.

Why Thai?

Am I crazy or don't Spring Rolls always come with a deliciously tangy Sweet and Sour sauce?

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Don't F*ck with us

How did you spend your Saturday night?

I spent mine drinking a bouquet of beers that eventually lead to a soul shaking karaoke version of Journey's, "Don't Stop Believin'." It was a friends birthday party so my live in lova and I stayed out way past our usual 12 a.m.

As four o'clock rolled around, we decided we'd had enough. I can't even tell you if we walked or took a taxi, all I remember is approaching the stoop of our Lower East Side apartment building, and noticing a group of young, drunken vagrants standing in our way. BJ (my boyfriend) went first and said, "Excuse me," as he stepped over a few of them. I followed behind and one of these lovely young men made a reference to Victoria's Secret and then asked me if I wanted a free fitting. In a nonthreatening tone I simply said, "No, I'm good, thanks." This lead to me being called a little bitch and other amazing things by this pack of store brand douches.

We were both pissed and drunk enough to do something about it. After plotting our revenge strategy on the four flights up to our den of sin, we got inside and grabbed the worst liquids we had in our pantry (which ended up being a decent bottle of balsamic vinegar and a shitty bottle of vanilla rum). Come to think of it, we could have made worse things, but it was truly a heat-of-the-moment kind of thing. Next we hauled ass up to the roof of our building where BJ scaled the curved edge in order to douse these a-holes with the vanilla-rum vinaigrette. For big tough guys, they sure screamed like bitches when they realized that their favorite Armani Exchange polo's were getting soaked with stinky sky sauce. The hilarity lasted for about 10 seconds until we heard loud banging noises coming from the hallway and realized they were trying to get in.

After a slight horror movie-esque scene of "trying to unlock the front door but the key is not working," we got inside the apartment, secured all 35 locks on the door, and shut off all of the lights.

I fell asleep that night clinging to my cellphone. The next day there was evidence that they got in- garbage from the bar next door was all over the first floor. Outside, there were beautiful balsamic stains on the sidewalk and stoop that proved that BJ is a sure shot while drunk and pouring from a rooftop.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The First...

Welcome ME!

This is my first blog and/or posting. I'm still debating whether I am going to keep this blog anonymous and just use it as a forum to vent and tell stories without fear of hurting any feelings, or if my artistic expression would be appreciated by those who will surely be mentioned.

If anyone happens to see this in the blog-o-sphere, let me know what you think. The new kid needs your wisdom and advice. Much love.