Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas!

Hooray! We did it!!! The 25 days of Vexmas challenge is officially over! Thanks for all your support these past few weeks, its been a real thrill.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

'Twas the night before Christmas...

Here's to hoping Wadadli Claus stops by your house tonight and fills your stocking with all the roast beef your heart desires! Xoxo!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

}: |

Why do people lean against the hand railing on the train? I had my fingers squished between the pole and some old lady's gunt for my entire ride on the subway today. Sick.

Seriously, just think about that for a minute. A strangers fupa was resting on my knuckles for a good 25 minutes straight. Enjoy the rest of your day.

Monday, December 22, 2008

3 days to go

Sorry, but this is too amazing not to post. Plus I was at a baby shower all afternoon so I didn't really have time to get creative. My only comment is that baby showers are *super* boring. Don't have kids.

Enjoy the video:

Thanks for the hot tip, Richard Tucker and send your sister my best!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

***BIG NEWS***

I'd like to take this moment to make a very big announcement in my life. After many months of contemplating, I've finally made my decision. One that will, without question, impact the rest of my life. After this Christmas I am officially converting.

That's right, I'm getting a Mac and could not be more excited! Thank you to everyone who helped me make this enormous decision, I couldn't have done it without you!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Last Night-

- The President of my company kept telling Ben and I we shouldn't wait until 2010 to get married- not even January of 2010 because he regrets not having kids sooner, but he doesn't want a girl and his son will get NONE of his money (um, what?)

- Shortly after the above, he gave the most disgusted look when we told him we were thinking of having the wedding in Puerto Rico

- Every interaction with any of my bosses was as awesomely awkward as the last two

- There wasn't enough food :( not to mention that I didn't even get ONE spring roll

- Everyone got pretty wasted (yay open bar!!)

- There was a disturbing amount of dry humping going down on the dance floor

- I got called snow white by some random girl after she snapped picture of me

- One of the employees kept telling my homo friend that she could "turn him"

- A few hours later, the same chick tried to kiss me then tried to get her boyfriend to kiss me, so that was totally sweet

Overall, the company party was a success!

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Holidays, Part 2

My office holiday party is tonight... Normally I'm totally down for free food and booze but this is basically being at work only trading internet access and a comfy chair for shitty music and temperate appetizers. Awesome.

Below is a list of things that will help distinguish between 'work' and 'work party':

-Everyone will be slightly better dressed
-I will be gossiping by having an actual conversation, not via MSN messenger
-99.9% of the people there will be at ease knowing they don't have to hide the smell of alcohol on their breath for once

That's pretty much it.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Metabolize This

I recently started a new vitamin regimen. I've been taking D, B-complex, B-12, and Lysine. Vitamin D is supposed to help with my seasonal affective disorder, the B's are for energy/metabolism/nervous system health, and Lysine helps build amino acids. Its been 6 weeks and the only change I've noticed is that the color of my pee is now what can only be described as radioactive yellow. So that sucks.

PS. Really Jeff? Was this better than seeing a small child screaming obscenities at his mother or the new FOTC season 2 premier? Really??? I bet every other Vex reader would have rather seen another video.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

9 more to go

Here's another kid I'd love to adopt:

and you better believe I wouldn't feed him that anemic f*cking bread.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Grab-ass Galore!

It must be the season of random grab-ass. There was a group of us drinking on the lower east side on Saturday (happy birthday again, Jose) and a few of the girls kept noticing their bums getting groped. Like hardcore groping, not just a little sideswipe or a goose- he was squeezing handfuls of ass as if he were kneading dough.

Turns out it was this super flamboyant looking dude (see: totally gay and not fooling anyone) wearing a teal scarf. We established it was him and were talking loud enough to be heard so he took off. But my little firecracker of a friend, Emilie, went running after him and yelling, "Everyone knows what you do! You're pathetic!" It was awesome!

But seriously, what a fucking perv- who does that?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

I Heart NY

Tonight I went to see the big tree at Rockefeller Plaza. I know, I'm a good friend and a *great* tour guide- but that's not the point. As we were walking on the concourse level with all of the restaurants I saw a big lady eating an even bigger TCBY ice cream cone. She went to take her first bite, stopped, pulled out her camera, held the icy treat at arms length, took a picture and then put the camera away and began devouring the cone. It was pretty awesome. Everyone was watching and thinking the same judgy thoughts. Guess you had to be there.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Death becomes me

Note to self: you are no longer a teenager and should stop drinking like you are. I stayed out until 3 am last night celebrating life/visiting with old friend and I'm still hung over at 10:15 pm. Laaaaaaaaame :(

Side note: Other Jeff, please don't be such a hater just because there won't be any sleep till Brooklyn. Thanks.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Oh, kewl.

Fingerless gloves are totally in right now and that's fine, I just have one tiny complaint. I've seen several people who have clearly just cut the toe part off of a pair of socks to wear them as said gloves, thinking nobody would notice the difference. Well ladies, people do notice. And they judge you. And they also think you should stop taking fashion cues from homeless people. That's all.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Uh, no thank you.

I really hope this is fake... It appears that someone has written a cookbook full of semen based recipes.


What the fuck is wrong with people?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

One of these days, I just might

Sometimes when I'm riding the subway I find myself day dreaming that I get up in the middle of the crowded train and start rapping along with whatever Tupac/Dre/Biggie jam is playing on my iPod.

It's all very movie like: I get up and I'm totally into it and rapping my ass off while everyone on the train is looking at each other like "who the hell is this little white chick trying to drop rhymes? Psshhh, whateva." But a few verses in they are all clapping and yelling and cheering me on like a scene from 8 Mile. Maybe even a few of the video-hoe looking ones are helping out with the chorus. It always ends with the passengers looking at each other like, "oh snap! we just served by baby guurl!" and in true gangsta fashion I kiss my two fingers as I peace-out and step off the train without ever looking back.

I fucking love that!

Anyways, I was in the middle of that scene last night while listening to Nothin but a "G" Thang and everything was going according to plan until I got to the line "Well I'm peepin', and I'm creepin', and I'm creep-in
But I damn near got caught, 'cause my beeper kept beepin'." It made me realize that not all old school hip-hop is as timeless as I like to think. Who the hell uses a beeper? More over, who raps about having one?

I guess I remember when beepers were cool and the hottest new gadget but Jesus, Dre, you *had* to know that wouldn't last forever. What a shame they can't all be universally cool themes like "who gives a fuck about hoes? So just chill, 'til the next episode..."

Monday, December 8, 2008


My friend and creator of the 25 days of Vexmas challenge, Jeff, is coming to NYC this weekend! Yay! Thank you Fox News people for fucking up your office chairs. Without you, there would be no reason for his company to fly him out here on the most eventful and jam packed weekend of the year! See ya Thursday, Francisco!

Sunday, December 7, 2008


I just had my improv 201 show at the UCB. Everything went really well, except for this one scene in which one of my male classmates kept grabbing the ass of a female classmate. It was super creepy and uncool.

What may have been worse was his attempt at justification for it afterwards. He tried to argue the point that "people are cool with it" and everyone should "expect things like that." Yes, because molestation is a form of comedy in some circles. All I remember is feeling the collective cringe of everyone on stage and in the audience. Thanks, creepy former classmate!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Holidays, Part I

We put up our miniature Christmas tree and it looks pretty sad now that we're living in a place that's bigger than a shoebox. What's worse is that Wadadli has taken a real liking to the golden bead garland. We came home to a pile of loose beads and I'm positive he ate a few because he's a disgusting animal that will literally eat anything. Now every time he poops I stare like I'm expecting him to lay little golden eggs. None yet, but I'll keep you posted...

Friday, December 5, 2008


I stayed home from work today so I almost forgot to blog! Nothing too crazy to report on, unless you consider making a delicious tortilla soup with chicken, lime and smoked chilies 'crazy.' Someday I'll put the recipe up here because it's f-ing amazing... For now, I have popsicles to eat and Dexters to watch so I'm out. Happy Friday!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

A Regret.

Last night as Eric and I walked to the subway we saw these Memorex cabs parked on 60th Street with a microphone set up and people trying to get you to sing for a ride. We looked at each other and said we should *totally* do it but when the guy asked us we chickened out and went our seperate ways.

As I walked down the steps the guy yelled to me again, "Come on! Your boyfriend really wants to do it!" I giggled but kept going. Once under ground I began to regret not taking a ride in the Karaoke Cab because, damn it, it would have been fun! So I secretly vowed to myself that I would do it if I ever saw them again. Lucky for all of us, they are roaming the streets of New York until December 23rd!!! What are the odds they'll have Womanizer as a song choice?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I really am an asshole.

Consider this part 2.

A few Christmases ago I ran into a friend from high school that I hadn't seen in several years (lets call her "Nicole"). You have to understand, "Nicole" was never fat, she just had a little more T&A than most of us (lucky bitch). Anyways, she looked amazing so I knew I just *had* to compliment her. We hugged, said hello and then I exclaimed, "OMG! You look great! Did you lose like, 500 pounds?" I felt so confident that I just said the most flattering thing in the history of the world until she made a weird face and tried to laugh while saying, "Um, no. That would mean that I weighed 645 pounds before."

In my defense, I was a slightly drunk. Here is a sampling of my inner monologue right before it happened: "Wow! She looks good, I think she lost weight. I should ask her. Do I say 15? No. That just sounds dumb. 50? Not quite dramatic enough...500? YES! I will ask this girl who I haven't seen in 3 years if she has lost 500 pounds because that will show that I think she looks good and is fit and healthy. Splendid!"

What a horrible, horrible idea. I still get embarrassed when I think about it. In fact, whenever I think of "Nicole" now I think of that and I just imagine her stewing and hating me ever since. It bothers me so much that I often think about emailing her an apology (but if she somehow forgot all about it I wouldn't want to bring it up and maker her remember how much of an asshole I was). On the other hand, I don't want her to think that I honestly thought she was 500 lbs overweight. Christ. What's a girl to do? Seriously, she's coming to NYC and I will likely be hanging out with her. Do I apologize for my not-so-complimentary 'compliment' or just act like it never happened?

Your advice is greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I've Been Challenged!

Loyal Vex reader Jeff G. has challenged me to the "25 days of Vex-mas" post-a-day until Christmas. Well my friend, you are on. Consider this my post for December 2nd.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Long before Sandler's Piece of Shit Car, der were Da Yoopers

(I couldn't decided which of these to post so you get both)

And to top it all off:

For those of you who don't know, these are some serious local celebrities in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Kanye West ain't got shit on Conga se Menne, eh!