Monday, April 28, 2008

I have offended a lot of people.

I decided today that I've really been an asshole from time to time and thought that this might make a fun list. So here they are, a few of my best/worst moments of being a person (in no particular order).

- In Jr. high my friend Phoebe invited me to a sleepover at her friend Kristen's house. I didn't know her very well and had never been to her house before so Phoebe was filling me in and then she told me Kristen had a blind dog. I had never heard of such a thing so naturally I thought she was lying to me. I watched the dog for like 5 minutes and it was getting around fine so I asked if she was just joking. Of course she said no, but I decided I had to do a quick test. As Phoebe was calling Peanut over to her I stepped in his path. Sure enough, Peanut ran into my legs at full speed and then kind of freaked out. Obviously I believed her after that.

- After an abrupt and sort of ugly break up, I told a guy that I was only talking to him the night we met so I could meet his friend. Although true, I was telling him purely to be a hateful bitch. Not a good color on me.

- I was at a birthday dinner and was one of two non-Jewish people at the table. One of the guys was talking about how he was a Sociology major in college but then switched to pre-law. I asked what made him change his mind and he said that he wanted to help people and really enjoyed Sociology, but he could make way more money as a lawyer- my reply was, "Oh, how Jewy of you." Faces and forks dropped. The record scratched then the music stopped and everyone just stared. I felt like an ant under a magnifying glass. I tried to defend myself with the whole 'my boyfriend is half Jewish so its ok if I say things like that' which went over like a fart in an elevator. Christ.

- I may have stolen your virginity, but its not like I love you. (This one still makes me laugh).

- A few of us were staying with a friend of a friend at Purdue for a cheap spring break. Now, this girl (I think her name was Emily?) didn't really seem to like me to begin with so I tried to turn on the old comedic charm. I was telling a story about the drive down from Michigan which turned into a 10 minute rant about how all truckers must be sexual perverts/molesters/degenerates. You see where this is going, don't you? My friend Katie turns to me and says, "Emily's dad is a truck driver." I began laughing out of discomfort but managed to say something like, "I'm sure your dad is a great guy who would never do that "I want to eat you out" hand gesture to a hot chick driving by."

Classy!

3 comments:

bex said...

thats some funny shit...thats why i love you.

remember that time you asked a friend if her mother used to fold down her ear before laying her down for bed.......

who is the virginity story?

deliberate duality said...

good ones rae...thats why i love you too! i hadnt heard the dog story before, poor peanut!

Anonymous said...

LOL the virginity story still makes me laugh...what a tool he is. Oh memories...