Friday, May 30, 2008

Welcome to the Century Club

Hooray! This is officially the 100th post on Vex and the City! Who would have thought I'd actually stick with this blogging thing? It comes on the same day as the new SATC movie hits theatres- coincidence? I think so!

G's up, ho's down while you motha fuckas bounce to this:

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

down the hatch!

Does this look like the face of a hardcore criminal or just a grandma who accidentally walked through a room filled with farts?

If you said 'grandma who walked through farts' you'd be wrong. In an amazing attempt to shame violators and deter drunk driving, a Long Island police department has released the names, addresses, and mugshots of everyone arrested over the holiday weekend for a DWI or DUI. Here is the article and photo gallery from 1010wins...Clearly none of these fools won (harhar).

I love this. Its like looking through submission photos for an ugly-off. Good luck trying to meet your next 14 year old chatroom girlfriend Christopher Mackrodt, because when she Googles you, that picture is going to be the first thing she sees. As for you Kerri L. Boerner, you can kiss your dreams of being the token plus sized girl on the next season of ANTM goodbye... Tyra don't do DUI's, aiight?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Actual Conversation

Ok, I just found this post that I forgot to publish back in October. "Her" is the Albino Python.

Her: eric doesn't want outback today?
me: what?
Her: he doesn't want outback for lunch?
me: I don't know, I didn't ask.
Her: I'm ordering with out you.
me: what? oh.
Her: I'm getting a blt. Where can I get a good blt toasted?
me: what? *slow turn* I don't know, I've never ordered one.
Her: blake and todd is good, they have good bread but they don't toast it.
me: ok.
Her: maybe I'll try burger heaven, but then I have to write out all of these instructions. what if they don't put the mayo on the side?
me: what?
Her: no, I'm going to go to blake and todd and if they mess it up, I'll just call. maybe I'll say extra toasted? but not burnt, I really hope they don't burn it. that's what I'll do.
me: oh. ok, good.

Sometimes I really miss that pigmentally challenged bitch.

Friday, May 16, 2008


Please see the results of this poll I just came across:

How concerned are you about global warming?

Very concerned
Somewhat concerned
Not very concerned
I'm not convinced it's true

Really? 38.8% of people are not convinced global warming is true? Really?

Hey Em,

Please tell me your bridesmaid dress looked like this:

Simply stunning.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

God Help Her.

I was trying to be nice and not post this, but the more I thought about it, the more angry/sad I became. My future nephews mother (50% of his DNA supply) is one of those people who LOVES Myspace Bulletins. I usually try not to read them (mostly because I know that the machine for giving you back wasted time hasn't been invented yet) but yesterday I pushed better judgement aside and said what the heck! Here is one of the survey questions and her answer:
Why are cat ladies weird?
cause they're humans that look like fucking cats.........too odd for me

Every time I read it I die a little inside.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Here we go again

Looks like Wadadli loves Bon Jovi almost as much as his daddy does. I swear the song was playing before he started doing this:

Monday, May 12, 2008


Is it super nerdy that I wish I had the Periodic Table of Elements memorized? I just spent over an hour playing Chemistry Hangman and forgot that half of these things existed. I mean, who remembers Protactinium? Seriously. Thanks for nothing, Dennis Simi with your gold tooth/love of blond Lindas/words like anthrophormicity.

I also wish all of my gases were noble, but that's another story.

it puts the lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose again.

What do you get when you mix this:

with one of these:


Answer: The Albino Python with a Facebook profile! Run!!!!!!!!! Run for your lives- its too late for me! She's already unhinged her jaws and consumed half of my leg... er, I mean sent me a friend request.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

It is a sad, sad day :*(

It is the end of an era and a very sad day. It was announced yesterday that "Talk Sex" with Sue Johanson is going off the air. If you've never seen it you have no. fucking. clue. what you are missing.

Oh Sue, I will miss you and your Fuk-u-ok-u's and even your anatomically ambiguous puppets. Most of all, I'll miss your delightfully explicit hand gestures. We will always have Casa Loma, D2 (like the mighty ducks), Joel, Jordan, and that mutant Randy. Goodbye old friend- see you in Rerun Heaven!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


There was an entire brigade of police with semi-automatic weapons in the 59th street subway station this morning :( what the eff?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

sum-ah time y'all

It was so amazing out today that I was excited to run an errand and get out of this soul crushing vortex of negativity (otherwise known as my office). As I passed the Abercrombie and Fitch store on 5th, I was hit with the one drawback of the Manhattan summer breeze.

The doors of the A&F store were wide open and pumping out the most pungent frat-boy stench I've experienced since the days my life revolved around room temperature keg beer and bad decisions. The smell dominated 5th Avenue all the way down to 53rd Street (that's 2 city blocks away for those of you who don't live here). I guess its better than garbage.

So begins another fantastic NYC summer!

Friday, May 2, 2008

list de jour...

Mmm, that sounds good. I'll have that.

Watching that just now I discovered something new and awesome. At the 2:32 mark listen to the lyrics. Yup it says, "two foot of butt crack was all I could see..." and it sounds like Billy Ray (!) which brings me to my first point.

I'm so sick of hearing about Miley Cyrus and the Vanity Fair photo scandal. Boooooooring!

I have fallen in love with Myspace all over again and I don't really know why. I spent the better part of my day looking at random profiles and catching up on the lives of people that I really don't care about. It was nice.

I'm wondering if the above could get me fired. Well, more hoping than wondering. I need a new job stat so if anybody knows a guy who knows a guy- holla.

Did anyone hear the rumor that Mariah Carey married Nick Cannon? What the hell? That crazy old broad could be his mother. Maybe she thought it was a good idea considering all the press Josef Fritzl has been getting. I mean, she does have a new album dropping soon and doing it with kids is soooo hot right now.

No matter how hard I try, I still hate Facebook.

My boss thinks I have tourette's so he got me a post-it pad that has "Don't Fuck This Up" on the top. What's going to be even better is when I hand in my letter of resignation* written on that paper in red crayon.

Barbara Walters admitted to having an affair with a Massachusetts Senator in the 70's. Who the hell wants to think about that old bag of bones having sex?

I recently purchased a pair of yellow rubber rain boots and I could not love them more. It almost makes me wish for rainy days.

I really have to pee and want to leave soon so, later! Thanks to all my lovely readers who have been leaving comments. It gives me a boner in my special place.


*assuming one of you a-holes can get me a new gig

Thursday, May 1, 2008

You've Just Been Pimped!

Did Xzibit stop by Vex? Because I swear to God somebody pimped my blog. What do you mean you didn't even notice? There's a new sentence under the title and I've also added links to three blogs that I enjoy.

I toyed with the idea of changing the colors/layout but there's something I really like about the dark dots. Perhaps they remind me of my mole covered body, which was once photographed nude by my pervy doctor who said he just wanted to "keep and eye on them." This is the same guy who licked his un-gloved fingers to turn a page of my chart after giving me a pretty thorough and again, un-gloved, physical- but I digress. So tell me what you think of the new and improved!