Thursday, February 28, 2008

homeless = tactless

I know that seems harsh but just hear me out. There are two vagrants I see on a regular basis and they both completely piss me off for different reasons. They happen to be at the same train stop and no matter what I do, I always see one or the other. I take the 6 home at night and if its nice out I'll walk from the Bleeker St. stop but if not I'll transfer to the F/V.

If I walk home, there is a little old white woman (who doesn't look the least bit homeless) that stands in the stairwell right before you make it out to the street with her Greek paper coffee cup. She waives it from side to side and sort of half looks up as you walk by. But she doesn't look desperate or hungry or needy. She just looks pissed that she's missing The People's Court, because that Judge Whopner is quite the looker. This old bitch probably lives in a $500 per month 2 bedroom rent stabilized co-op apartment and uses the money she earns in the subway to pay for her weekly Atlantic City blue hair bus trips. I just really want to punch her in her stupid, wrinkly, unenthusiastic mug. Is that so wrong?

Then there's the sleeper who's always on the bench when I transfer to the F/V. This guy stretches out, has his face covered by a hat, and smells like he is marinating in a fresh pant-load of self soil. So. Fucking. Nasty. But to top it off, he ALWAYS has one hand down the front of his pants. If I could get close without throwing up I'd like to tell him not to worry, nobody is going to try and steal it. Is this what a complete loss of dignity looks (smells) like?

Normally I have so much compassion for the homeless. I give money to the ones that sing or dance or tell a compelling story, I give food to the locals that hang out by my apartment, but this is something totally different. I never knew I could be so angry or disgusted as I am by these two. Am I heartless? Obviously not-because if I was I would have hit, kicked, whore-bathed, or spit on at least one of them by now.

Keep up the good work I suppose.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


Hi guys! I know its been a while, my bad. I'll blame my bladder control issues and lack of wireless connection. You see, I'd blog from the throne but the wireless internet I set up (AKA "Freebird") hasn't worked since, well, since I set it up. Apparently I'm no Steve Jobs.

There are so many things to catch up on but I'll start with the biggest and best announcement since The Emancipation Proclamation, or am I thinking of the Emancipation of Mimi? I always get those two confused...either way this trumps both. We got a puppy!!! Yay! A tiny little furry ball of urine filled cuteness! We've had him for 5 days now and I love him (oh yeah, his name is Wadadli, after the native beer of Antigua).

Last night, Ben and I were sitting around our love nest playing with little Wadad's when he starting doing something to a U of M tee that we did not expect from a pup so young. Below is the video Ben took of Wadadli's first hump. Enjoy, perverts.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Oh rearry?

Here's another shout out to one of my favorite readers. Jose sent me the following and unless you're a total rice queen, be prepared for a challenge.


To participate is very easy, just view the attached photo, correctly answer the following questions and send your answers to:
International Olympic Committee, Private Bag, Lausanne, Switzerland.

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2. Which ones are male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group?
5. Which one is the teacher?

Thanks Joser! I've been looking for an excuse to use the term "rice queen" for months!

Friday, February 8, 2008

sweet mother of christ

I recently got an email from loyal Vex reader, Booger. It was pictures of this broad who had apparently gotten ribs removed in her quest for a tiny waste. I admit, I'm not 100% sure this is real but its way too creepy and confusing not to share with you guys.

Maybe these are from her geriatric dating profile, screen name: Tranny-tastic!

Final thought- if you were spending this much money on plastic surgery, why not start with fixing your busted face or getting your Adams apple removed? Happy New Year!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Close one

Thank you Virtual Apple/Oregon Trail online! As I was in the middle of my last post, a coworker- lets call him "boss of no one" (because he fancys himself so fucking important, yet is rather irreleveant) came up and started scanning my screen while pretending to ask me a question.

Now, since its 1000% unacceptable for anyone from my office to be reading this, let alone for me to be blogging on the clock, I had to think quick. So I excitedly asked, "OMG! Have you seen this?!?!" while fumbling to close my blog window and open up a new one. Good thing I had just linked to that game. I pulled it up and distracted BONO until somehow I got him to go back to his desk to play it.

He's like a stupid dog that you can jingle keys in front of its face, fake throw something, and then watch as he goes running after it. What a douche.

Friday, February 1, 2008


- I drink 4 small bottles of water but feel more thirsty than I do after drinking 1 big bottle.

- you have to get over your fear of being known as a triple flusher to the girl who sits right outside the bathroom.

- stress is managable, because you can control how much you really give a shit.

- you find out that your 7th grade boyfriends baby sister is 18 and feel so shocked that you're convinced his parents adopted another one in between.

- it's ok if your lover calls you a wino.

- you need to take a mental health day at work and just catch up on your local news/myspace/email/youtube/play a little Classic Oregon Trail.

- celebrity gossip bores me to death.

- I hate people.

- you need to stop blogging so you can get home to poop, without careing about the number of flushes.

Baby, pour me a glass of Pinot and warm up that toilet seat. I'm on my way...