Thursday, November 29, 2007

Fuck the man

I really, really, really hate my job today. I want to quit and live the rest of my life on the streets with my stupid face in a bottle of MadDog 20/20.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


What plays a sweet ass keytar, sounds like Peter Frampton, and dances like sexual hell on wheels? If you answered Snoop Dog in his erotic new video, Sensual Seduction, then you are 1,000% correct!

Don't believe me? Dig this dy-no-mite video, jive turkey.

Something that fascinated me:

Today I saw a puddle of barf directly under two mail boxes, but there wasn't any barf on the mail boxes themselves. Not even a bit of back-splash or a chunk of corn. Isn't that weird? How did someone puke that much and yet manage to maintain the integrity of government property?

I truly believe that New York is a magical city.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Single tear

I found out today that my beloved intern is no longer with us. Not like that- I mean she didn't die or anything, she just got fired. I guess that means its back to fixating on the Albino Python! Admit it, you've missed her...

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


Last week, this genius was observing the casual Friday dress code. I couldn't help but notice that she was wearing Acne brand jeans. I know with endorsements by people like Jessica Simpson, Diddy, and Kelly Clarkson bad skin is really hot right now, but who would pick that as the name of their denim empire? Moreover, who would buy something with such a name? It just makes me think her ass and legs must be covered in zits- and that makes me gag. So now she's not just the worlds most annoying and unskilled intern, she also makes me nauseous.

Oh fashion, you're so funny sometimes! What next, psoriasis accessories? Maybe gonorrhea shoes? Sounds infectious! Let's get em!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Top 3

Here are my top three most hated advertisements in the New York City subway system:

3. This doesn't technically fall under the advertisement umbrella but F you, this is my blog. There is a sign in the train that says something along the lines of, "Want to visit a NYC museum? Just look around, you're surrounded by art!" And by 'art' they mean shit like this and this. Are. You. Kidding... Bling aka hand? Rabbit Transit? Even the names make me want to punch a baby. I mean, they just make me mad. I usually see these things on my way home from work, so its no wonder I've picked up such a charming little drinking habit. *GULP*

2. "Got an illegal gun? Next stop... PRISON!!!" Get it? Because you're on the train? If I had an illegal gun I'd shoot something every time I saw that sign until, finally, they would call me the Illegal Gun Having Killer or Subway Serial Shooter, or some other lame ass name. Maybe somebody like Dr. Hannibal Lector will eventually shed some sociopathic insight on the fact that I only have homicidal rage when that sign is around. I don't know.

1. But what takes the cake??? The Good Day Dance (pictured above). I wish you could actually see the illustrations. They do the worst play-by-play of this 'dance' I have ever seen. To see most annoying video of your life, go here and click on 'Watch the Good Day crew do the Good Day Dance.' It makes my face melt off. There aren't even words for how much I loathe this, I almost threw my computer out the window after watching it. Who comes up with this shit? Do they think people are inspired or entertained by this? OH MY GOD! But I do think it's funny how they have the black guy doing the only move that seems to require any sort of rhythm (while the white guy has a hard time making hand clapping look non-douchey). Roll up, roll down bitches.

Now I need a drink.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Here's one

I thought of a fun list. The following are things that I do that annoy Ben (but honestly, I don't think are that big of a deal):

- When I start plucking his errant hairs (eyebrow, face, neck, etc.) and can't stop until my eyes hurt
- When I put on sweatpants that are 3x's too big as soon as I get home from work (he wonders how much poop I can fit in them*)
- When I fart and don't claim it... usually it's just the two of us
- When I constantly bother him while he's working because I'm bored and there isn't anything good on TV
- When I try to pick at things** on his arms or back
- When he gives me the shortest book in the house (with the largest font) and two months later I'm still only on chapter 4

Feel free to add more.

*For the record, it would be a lot. I could fit *tons* of poop in these sweatpants

** Unless it's a skin tag, then he freakin' begs me to pick and pull on it


To all my loyal reader,

No, that's not supposed to be plural.

I'm sorry I've been slacking. My computer crapped out on me and now I have to bribe Ben to let me use his. Since the computer is his livelihood, it's no easy task. I don't enjoying having to force my creativity/hilarity into whenever he gets up to take a dump or go for a run. So anyways, thanks for reading and I love you.

Friday, November 9, 2007

I went into Forever 21 tonight...

and realized I'm not.

How sad.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Pubic in Public

Why do guys think its ok to scratch their balls in public? On my way to work yesterday there was a Seth Rogen looking dude standing in front of me who kept um, molesting himself. He was doing it so often I decided to keep count (please don't judge, I forgot my Ipod and had nothing to read).

From 49th Street to 59th and Lexington (3 stops) he had made contact with his business 14 times. Now, this was not 14 individual 'scratches' because that would have been impossible to keep track of. The guy was using two hands at the same time as if he were trying to scratch himself a vagina. I thought he was going to start a fire on the train.

I just want to know why... No, not why he was scratching the scrotum off of his balls, but why was I so fascinated that I had to keep a mental record of the frequency? God, I'm such a perv.

It's right around the corner

Christmas I mean, and for the last few years I've been one of those people who waits until 2 weeks before to start shopping. I'm trying to think of gifts for people now so I don't have to stress about it later. So far I'm much, much worse at pre-planning and should probably just stick to the last minute gifting as usual. Here's proof:

Everyday on my way to work, I see the same advertisement for this doctor on the upper east side. He is a podiatrist who specializes in "city feet." I don't even know what that means but the pictures are disgusting. I guess he's the leader in sawing off corns and lopping off bunions in NYC.

This is the only thing I can think of to get for Ben. He's got what we used to call hammer toes, now I know it is actually a deformity called hallux valgus. Is corrective surgery considered an original and thoughtful gift? I mean, its better than socks and a sweater, right?