Monday, October 29, 2007


Sweet Jesus, it's f-ing freezing out today.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

oh Lord

If anyone reads this, now is your chance to shape the future. The Albino Python asked me if I wanted to get together for drinks next week. Ugh. I haven't replied yet.

Obviously my gut tells me to say, "Why don't you go out for drinks of bleach by yourself, and I'll meet you at the morgue?" While my head tells me that there may be a funny blog post somewhere in this three hours of soul-draining socializing.

What do you guys think? Do I just say no, like I was taught throughout my youth, or do I throw caution and common sense to the wind like a schoolgirl on prom night? I'm only even *entertaining* the idea of going out with her for you, my 3 readers... and if I fail to get a comment on this post, I may retire from the blog-o-sphere all together.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

*Magically Delicious*

David Copperfield is being accused of sexual harassment. David Copperfield, sexual predator??? I think not. I have a few theories on why this is must be a false accusation and he will never be prosecuted:

1. If you ever actually had any sort of sexual contact with this guy, would you go around telling people?

2. He's totally gay.

3. He's a magician. Don't believe in magic? Then how do you explain the Statue of Liberty disappearing on live television or how for years, he made it appear that he was sticking it to Claudia Schiffer when in fact, it was Dumbledore the whole time? The guy is good.

With one wave of his wand this hippie from Seattle would be extinct. So lady, get off his crystal balls. Leave David Alone!

Friday, October 19, 2007


We have a new intern. She's nice, but what an idiot. Her phone kept ringing today, so finally I turned around and told her (in a very nonthreatening tone), "Newbie, you can answer the phone. If it rings that means someone is calling you and wants to talk to you." Newbie nervously replies, "Oh, um, OK." short pause, "What do I say when I pick it up?"

Jesus. H. Christ. Really?

I took a deep breath in, let it out slowly, then replied, "I don't, how about hello? Or *her name*? Or *company name*? Probably something like that. Stay away from things like Duane Reade or Johns Pizzeria, as that might be misleading."

This was only the beginning. I honestly want to know how people like her survive. I would have thought for sure she would have swallowed her own tongue by now or just forgotten to keep breathing.

Look for more posts to come on this little blond box of rocks!

Thursday, October 18, 2007


I saw a girl on the train with a catalogue that looked like Eastbay. It brought back some very fond memories for me. Remember how awesome it was to flip through the back-to-school version looking for new kicks? Followed by the thrill and anticipation of waiting the 3-5 weeks for delivery... How about strength shoes? I still have mine even though they're about 3 sizes too big.

Or if you were a serious baller and had the time/means of getting to the summer tent sale in Wausua... that was the shit! I once bought a Florida Seminoles Football jacket there because, aside from the fact that it was the only thing that even came close to fitting me, it had a totally sweet Nike swoosh on it.

Come on bitches, what was your favorite Eastbay purchase over the years?

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Someone used up all of the half & half... The only thing left for my coffee is soy milk. Yuck! What am I supposed to do now, drink it black? What if I never go back?

Hello Clarice

She-devil keeps laughing out loud at something. To the point where either a) she is trying to make me test my theory of "if an Albino Python gets pushed out of a window on the 21st floor, does anyone even care" or b) she really wants me to ask her what is so funny.

I'd much rather try 'a' than strike up a convo with this turd. She has done this to me before and it always ends up with me having to read some stupid ass email that's not even funny. Not even remotely funny. Probably not even in the same hemisphere as funny. But her laughter is like the crying of baby lambs as they're being slaughtered. What do I do Dr. Lector? Dr. Lector???

PS. Am I starting to sound obsessed? Because I promise I am not obsessed. I've just never had such strong feelings of rage and hatred before. That's all. Totally normal, right?

*rocks back and forth on the floor while eating sand*

Monday, October 15, 2007


I just stood in line at the post office for an hour and a half. It was one of the most irritating things I have had to do- I just kept getting more and more bitter. Thank baby Jesus born in a manger for Brickbraker. Even that got screwed though, some bitch bumped me as I was on the verge of beat my own personal high score... After that disappointment I decided I should do my second favorite thing- people watch/eves drop. Here is a quick synopsis of the fuggos I was in line with:

First there was the most pear-shaped man I had ever seen, he was wearing an argyle sweater-vest to make matters worse.

Next I noticed the pregnant woman whose fetus was sitting so low it looked like her bladder was pregnant with sextuplets. Seriously gross, I wasn't the only one staring.

Then we had the 4' tall Asian woman with the cell phone flare. Why do you need charms hanging off of your MotoRazr anyways?

But my favorite had to be the dumpy Donna on the phone with her friend who had apparently just broken up with her fiance. This chick was bit-ter! She kept saying things like, "I don't think it's appropriate for you to be dating yet. If I met someone who had just broken off their engagement I would think, like, whoa, there's something wrong here. You just need some 'you' time." OMG, run sister. This bitch is single white femaling your ass! Seriously, if your newly single friend wants to go out and fuck around, don't hate because you're too annoying to get a boyfriend.

Judging by how she looked and the way she spoke, all I could think was that Donna, in line at the post office, is someone else's Albino Python.

At least now I don't feel so alone.


Hey everyone! My brothers girlfriend is pregnant!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007


Is it ironic when someone misspells the word "intelligence" or just plain dumb?