Monday, April 28, 2008

I have offended a lot of people.

I decided today that I've really been an asshole from time to time and thought that this might make a fun list. So here they are, a few of my best/worst moments of being a person (in no particular order).

- In Jr. high my friend Phoebe invited me to a sleepover at her friend Kristen's house. I didn't know her very well and had never been to her house before so Phoebe was filling me in and then she told me Kristen had a blind dog. I had never heard of such a thing so naturally I thought she was lying to me. I watched the dog for like 5 minutes and it was getting around fine so I asked if she was just joking. Of course she said no, but I decided I had to do a quick test. As Phoebe was calling Peanut over to her I stepped in his path. Sure enough, Peanut ran into my legs at full speed and then kind of freaked out. Obviously I believed her after that.

- After an abrupt and sort of ugly break up, I told a guy that I was only talking to him the night we met so I could meet his friend. Although true, I was telling him purely to be a hateful bitch. Not a good color on me.

- I was at a birthday dinner and was one of two non-Jewish people at the table. One of the guys was talking about how he was a Sociology major in college but then switched to pre-law. I asked what made him change his mind and he said that he wanted to help people and really enjoyed Sociology, but he could make way more money as a lawyer- my reply was, "Oh, how Jewy of you." Faces and forks dropped. The record scratched then the music stopped and everyone just stared. I felt like an ant under a magnifying glass. I tried to defend myself with the whole 'my boyfriend is half Jewish so its ok if I say things like that' which went over like a fart in an elevator. Christ.

- I may have stolen your virginity, but its not like I love you. (This one still makes me laugh).

- A few of us were staying with a friend of a friend at Purdue for a cheap spring break. Now, this girl (I think her name was Emily?) didn't really seem to like me to begin with so I tried to turn on the old comedic charm. I was telling a story about the drive down from Michigan which turned into a 10 minute rant about how all truckers must be sexual perverts/molesters/degenerates. You see where this is going, don't you? My friend Katie turns to me and says, "Emily's dad is a truck driver." I began laughing out of discomfort but managed to say something like, "I'm sure your dad is a great guy who would never do that "I want to eat you out" hand gesture to a hot chick driving by."


Tuesday, April 22, 2008


Here are some of my favorite mispronounced words of all time. These all come from people in my life:

1. Gooms (as in gums in your mouth and near your teeth)
2. Bajamas (pajamas but with a B?)
3. Fuss-trated (its frustrating having to hear it said this way so often)
4. Baa-yog (is how they say bag on the East Coast and I hate it)
5. Effisode (like how in German all P's are pronounced as F's)
6. Renember (I forget what's wrong with this one...)

That's all I got for now, folks.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


The street is quiet
Hearty laughter at your joke
Accidental fart

It's called Date Night and it's dedicated to K-Dub. Thank you for embracing my flaws, you are truly a dear friend.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

In other news-

My little baby dog had his first visit to the groomer this weekend. Such a disaster, there aren't even words to describe it. He looks like a cancer patient. I'm glad he has no concept of his own appearance, but momma does and she's traumatized.

BEFORE (furry and happy):

AFTER (naked and self-conscious):

It doesn't even look like the same animal *sigh*


My horoscope for the day according to MSN:
March 20 - April 19
Someone who is distraught or angry, perhaps a relative, might phone you up today, expecting a sympathetic ear and soothing words - and you'll be more than able to provide them. This is a great day for writing, dear Aries, whether a letter to a friend or the first chapter of an epic novel. Your abilities with words are operating at a high level, and if you're planning to teach or speak to a group, rest assured that the words will flow freely! Enjoy!

Friends, if you need a person to listen to your stupid problems and feed you some BS to make you feel better- I'm here for you. Basically I have a gift and have no choice but to share it with the world. So, you're welcome.

Also, could they have been more right on that last part? This blog post could very well be the first chapter of an epic novel. If by 'epic' you mean something nobody cares about and by 'novel' you mean something completely irrelevant to the world on every possible level.

Friday, April 11, 2008

New Things!

There are two new things that I've decided to be strongly against. One is having a motto. Like people who say they "work hard and play hard" or "carpe diem." It's just stupid and annoying and trite (thank you Mr. Pat O'Neil). Things like that always remind me of truck commercials aimed at low income mid-westerners.

I also hate certain brands of observational humor <--I use that term loosely. Sometimes it can be funny, but I'm referring to things like "if drinking and driving is illegal, why do bars have parking lots?" That is so dumb it hurts. My fingers literally cramped up while I was typing that.

Well, I'm off to grab the bull by the horns because I live each day to the fullest. Maybe after that I'll make some lemonade out of all of these lemons that life has just handed me. Bye!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I'm annoyed

at my lack of creativity/inspiration for a good blog post lately. I want to write mean things about several people but don't want to hurt any ones stupid feelings. Why are some people such bitches?

Oh and why are some females such embarrassing disgraces to our gender? Ladies, you have a few options 1) be intelligent/ talented/ witty/ funny/ entertaining or 2) just sit there, look cute, and for the love of all that is sacred shut. up.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


Don't trust that Indian baby. I hear she's soooo two-faced.

And yes, I am aware that I'm going directly to hell.