Another Reason I LOVE New York

Even our homeless people are hilarious!

A day that will live in infamy

It was confirmed yesterday that Flight of the Conchords will not be having a 3rd season of awesomeness on HBO. This news came straight from the kiwi's mouths. What a bummer, but I'm not crying...

Crossing My Fingers

My horoscope for today:

Aries
March 21 - April 19
A sudden and unexpected visit from someone who lives far away is likely to throw your usual schedule out of kilter, dear Aries. Though you'll be glad to see your friend, the visit may require a lot of telephone calls breaking appointments, etc. Once that process is completed, however, you'll have a good visit. Your friend should have a lot to report to you, and vice versa. You'll talk for hours. Relax and have some fun!

Dear Jeff-fry,

I hope this means that you pulled it off and are able to come to NYC for a surprise weekend visit. If not, I will have lost all faith in astrology. Seriously.

xo,
your bestie

Too bad they didn't listen

The Other Night I Couldn't Sleep

Instead, I decided to go through every actor change for Days of Our Lives characters that I could remember from when I was an *avid* watcher in my younger years.

Here we go:

Bo Brady- I started watching when he was played by tall, hot, beefy Bo in the late 80's/early 90's. Unfortunately he wasn't the original and soon short, stalky and monkey-like Bo v1.0 was back for the remainder of my time as a fan.
PS. According to IMDB, his name is Beauregard Aurelius 'Bo' Brady. Fuck yeah.

Vivian Alamain- I just remember them switching from one dumb ginger to another.

Belle Black- The first girl who played her came from the Disney channel- after that it was all downhill. They were constantly trying out new blond-haired, squishy-faced girls to replace Zenon.

Billie Reed- Lisa Rinna, with her crazy hair and enormous lips went on to be replaced by that girl from the elevator scene in Liar Liar. Eh, upgrade I guess.

Austin Reed- The first Austin was (ZOMG!!!!) the same guy who played Jeff, the manager at the Max- aka the reason Kelly and Zach broke-up! Single tear. After that, who cares?

That's all I can remember and yes, I realize *exactly* how cool I am.

What's wrong with this picture?

(click to enlarge)

PS. NEVER go to a bridal expo, no matter how awesome the honeymoon giveaway grand prize is. I've been harassed by multiple daily emails and weekly phone calls from assholes like the above since January. Grrr!

Thanks, Job!

I've had a work blackberry for over three years now and have never really had a use for it, until today. Thank baby jeebus for the BB Tour upgrade, otherwise I might not have had a camera to capture this rare beauty:


Welcome to Park Avenue, baby.

In other using-my-new-blackberry-camera-news, these guys are still at it with the Mikes.



Believe me when I say there were even more over the weekend that I didn't get pictures of. This neighbor may be my new Albino Python, but in a good way!

Only watch this if you feel like crying.

Holy. Crap.

I came across this on my way to work the other day:

6 cases of Mike's assorted-ades!?!?

This can mean only one of two things- either we have an entire apartment building full of 13 year old girls OR Chris Hanson has set-up shop in the hood!

Let's hope for #2!!!

Oh, Facebook.

You're such an amusing little beast. Where else could I find this gem:

Xxxxx Xxxxxxxx: i swear to god, if this bitch doesn't process my food stamp application tomorrow i'm burning down her house.

Bragging about being on food stamps in your status update? Why not! But that wasn't the end of it. There were several comments left by others who were also waiting for their food stamps. How can all these people afford computers and the internet but not milk?

It should be noted that the author of the above is what some (doctors, dietitians, nutritionists, etc) would classify as obese. I would love to know how that happens when your monthly stipend of meal tickets is, at least in theory, provided to cover food for one person.

Then there are the facebook quizzes... Normally I hide them as soon as I see any phrase resembling "Which Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Character Are You?" But, for some reason, I noticed the results that this particular chick had posted after taking the Dirty Dancing quiz.

She went to my high school but I never really knew her. She was one of those friend requests that I accepted because a core group of friends had also accepted her request. But even with my limited knowledge, her results could not have been more spot on. Who was her Dirty Dancing doppelganger? Penny Johnson.



Yep. One look at this girl's profile picture and you just *know* she's totally game for (and has probably experienced at least one) rusty wire hanger abortion in the back of some "doctors" van. So I guess those things can be accurate. Good work, facebook!

Things that bring me pleasure

The movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is certainly one of them. Free lunch is another.

(Click on the image to make it larger)

Being able to successfully reference Ace while ordering that free lunch = Best. Day. Ever.

Fuck you, Brooklyn

Fuck you at 1:00 am, with your organic and all natural deli foods.

Fuck your soy/non-dairy/vegetarian bullshit excuse for pizza.

Fuck you for having 32 varieties of tofu but not a single package of pepperoni.

Fuck you.

All I want is a goddamn thin, crispy, greasy, and delicious Jacks (or Tombstone).

In closing: fuck you, Brooklyn.

This would be *slightly* less adorable if he were a midget

A little bit about me.

My current phone doesn't automatically delete text messages. I have to do it manually when my inbox starts to fill up. Usually I use the 'delete all' function but for some reason I decided to select each message individually last night. By doing this, I learned something extremely valuable about myself.

You know how there are those people in life that you can confess your inner most fears, hopes, and dreams to? I am not that person. You know the ones that are always there when you need a word of encouragement or just to feel loved and not alone? I am not that person either. After a horrible break-up, the friend who will let you cry on his/her shoulder and spoon feed you 3 gallons of Rocky Road ice cream in your pajamas while telling you how fabulous you are? Again- not me.

Apparently, this is who I am to people:

Date: June 30, 9:34 am
---
I just crop dusted the library at this high school I'm at... Sounded like a dirt bike in the distance. =)
--
From: JS


Date: July 12, 3:10 pm
--
Just crop dusted a priest!
--
From: EG


Date: July 16, 11:23 pm
--
Crop dusted a group of girls at the bar, then got stuck behind some dude. Bad times :(
--
From: JH

Yup. I'm the person you come to when you need affirmation and praise for purposely farting in public. (I guess Ben is right, I should change the name of this blog)

Either way, I'd like to dedicate this song to all of my gassy readers. xoxo!

Pun O'Clock

According to CNN.com the leader of North Korea has pancreatic cancer.

So in other words, Kim Jong's ill.

ZING!


At least these three liked it...

Gross.

Bad news for our neighbors to the south (aside from just being New Jersey).

But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'herpes'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'bad decisions'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'overly spray-tanned Guido's'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean '____________'.

Leave your suggestion in the comments section. Best one wins a prize!

Dear Stacey-

They've been to Brooklyn too!

Mean Girls Don't Stop

I got the following email from a girl I went to school with. Please note I did not say "friends with." We were never more than classmates. In fact, I used to think I'd be on the top of her "People to Kill" list (a la Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison).

Bella,
I just heard about your engagement. Congratulations. I hope he is a good guy and treats you right. Marriage is what you make it. I'm glad I made the choices I did otherwise I wouldn't be married with my little girl. I hope everything turn s out beautiful for you and hopefully one day I'll get to meet you future husband. Email me your address so I can send you a gift. Talk to you soon.

Of course I think it is totally random and weird that I just got marital advice and should be expecting a gift from this stranger (practically). I had to consult my team of experts. Here is an excerpt from an IM session with one of my homegirls, Bex.

Bella says:
i mean, really? [random girl's name]?
why?!?!
Bex says:
she always wanted to be best buds with you
Bella says:
haha
Bex says:
are you just not going to respond or what are you gonna do
Bella says:
i'll probably respond
because i'll most likely have to see her next year
Bex says:
thats the nice thing to do
Bella says:
i guess, it just seems weird
the email was a nice gesture but to say you want to send a gift seems strange
Bex says:
very weird
Bella says:
right?
Bex says:
she is weird tho
Bella says:
haha
yes
Bex says:
wonder what she would send
Bella says:
haha
i dont know
maybe i should just email her back, thanking her for the well-wishes but not send my address? or does that seem rude?
Bex says:
no thats probably what i would do
Bella says:
ok good
thats what i was thinking
Bex says:
i dont like people knowing my address
Bella says:
i mean, our address isn't even listed on our registries
Bex says:
ya thats completely ok to just thank her
Bella says:
maybe she wants to show that she has $ from her doctor husband?
Bex says:
she does
Bella says:
Dr. Wood
i hope hes a proctologist
Bex says:
i saw her when i was home in feb at don and ggs. she came to my table and thats all she kept saying, my doctor husband, blah blah blah
Bella says:
REALLY?!??!!
i didnt know that!
Bex says:
hes a foot doctor, actually froze a wart off my foot once
Bella says:
HAHAHA
shut the hell up
they are still MI?
Bex says:
ya he works at bluff view, well that little building right next to it
Bella says:
omg
i (heart) this conversation... it may have to go on my blog

And it did!

I guess the moral of this story is that saying your husband is a doctor loses its cache when I know he's frozen a wart off my friends foot. Also, I guess I'm the same catty bitch I was in high school. Oops...

A documentary for right meow

To quote bestweekever.tv- Here is the trailer for Cat Ladies. It’s like Saw IV: For Ladies:



Brilliant!

Treat Yourselves

Comfortable situations are foreign to me

Last week I got a facebook email from a cousin I never talk to. Never. I mean, in the greeting she didn't even spell my goddam name correctly, and its right there on the page!

Anyways, she wanted my real email address so that her husbands sister could contact me about hotels in NY and/or to see if I could get her a good rate. She also asked for the details of my wedding because, her and her sister (my other cousin who I talk to even less) were planning on coming! Imagine my shock- considering neither of them have actually been invited. Ugh. So here we go with the awkward email back saying that "due to budget constraints blah, blah, blah." How ballsy is that though? To just assume you're invited?

Oh! Speaking of putting your foot in your mouth, I almost congratulated a not pregnant woman on being pregnant. I hadn't seen her in almost a year and when I did it was from across the room. She had on a tight tee shirt that was hugging her cute little basketball belly so I yelled, "OMG! I can't believe you're..." then I stopped. She looked at me like, what are you going to say, bitch???

I finished with "...here! It's been so long! How are you? What's new?" That way, if she was in fact pregnant, she could share now. Guess what? She didn't say shit about being with child. Thank GOD I can sometimes filter the garbage that streams out of my stupid mouth.

This makes me sad

CNN Quick Vote:

Will you watch "The Tonight Show" with Conan O'Brien?

Yes 33% 20680
No 67% 42311

Total Votes: 62991

What's with all the haters? Conedog is the shit! Come back to NYC where you're appreciated!!!

Yikes.

I just said the following about one of my coworkers:

he's one of those people that you wish his parents were in some super religious cult so he would have been made into a suicide bomber at the age of 12... the world would be a better place

Even I'm offended. Looks like this vacation can't come soon enough.

Trying.

Today I decided I really wanted to have a good day and not completely hate everything about my job. I was making a conscious effort and the morning went pretty well, actually.

Then lunch time rolled around and I ask one of my many bosses if he'd like lunch, he says yes and gives me his order. Now, this is not a duty that I am required to perform- I ask him out of the kindness of my heart, yet he NEVER gets up and walks the 20 feet to my desk to get his lunch when it arrives. Instead, he sits and waits and watches until I deliver it to him. Today, I didn't even get a thank you. Asshole.

A little while later he barks at me to make him dinner reservations for Friday. He then proceeds to spend the next 25 minutes on the phone talking about some dickish automated golf program that keeps track of the number of times he swings. Seriously? **Oh that must be why you couldn't pick up the phone and call about dinner yourself. You were far too busy working. Doing important work things entirely related to the success of the company and ultimately paying my salary. Thanks. Glad we got that cleared up.**

I still haven't done it. I know he listens to my phone calls so anytime he pulls this type of thing I like to wait until he is away from his desk to make the call. Payoff comes at the end of the day when, finally, in a fit of rage at my clear disregard of his managerial request, he'll try to sound cool and relaxed and not annoyed when he asks, "hey, did you get through to the Palm?"

That's when I like to let out my huge 'are you fucking kidding me when have I ever *not* gotten through to the Palm, I can't believe you are seriously asking me that you ungrateful fucking prick- this isn't even a part of my job' sigh while doing a slow turn towards him then I say in a sarcastic tone,"Yeah. It's alllllll set."

Slow turn back to computer. Hard typing. Secret smiles in my heart, because really, its the small victories.

Sometimes its right on

My Horoscope from today:

Aries
March 21 - April 19
If you feel as though you are having difficulty breathing, dear Aries, or if you are more and more clumsy today, take half an hour to relax in some peaceful garden. Sit down and examine the anger that you have never expressed. It seems it has been transformed into unconscious anxiety. Could it be that you are more discontent with your work than you allow yourself to admit?

Am I more discontent with my work than I allow myself to admit? Please see my post from two days ago. I admit to every bit of my discontentment. Every. God. Damn. Bit.

Nice try though.

Dear Job,

Eternal Damnation

I just put a fist full of chips in my mouth that expired on May 06... of 2007. They were supposed to be salt and vinegar flavor but instead they tasted like the first day of school- wood varnish and industrial strength cleaner. Note to self: look at the expiration date before consuming. YUK!

Sir Farts Alot

Ben thinks my blog pretty much just focuses on farts, so this ones for him.

The other day I get home and my apartment smelled like burnt hair and garbage, so I made a comment to that effect to my roommate, "Bin." Bin said, "Its me, I've had *the worst* gas all day. I just tried lighting some matches and candles before you got home."

But does it end there? Nope. Bin continued to stink up our love nest. I made the mistake of walking over by his desk (he wasn't even near it) and the smell was so unbelievably foul I had to pull out a bottle of Febreeze and coat the chair. I then made it my business to chase him around until I could do the same to the ass of his poor, unsuspecting pants. That didn't solve the problem, but it was a start.

Yes, I Febreezed the love of my life's ass. What of it?

Blah

I've been fighting a somewhat swiney-flu since last week but the worst of it hit me on the way home tonight. I was on the train and could feel it creeping up- one of those horrendous coughing spells (as my grammy would call it) where you think you're not going to stop until you puke. I tried to do a polite little cough into my hand then hold the rest in but it exploded out of me like an exorcised demon. My eyes immediately began to water, snot gushed from my nose, I was gaging and couldn't catch my breath. I genuinely thought I was going to vom on the 6 train, while everyone around me starred like I had the goddamn plague. To top it all off I didn't even have a tissue :(

Side note- the girl who had the word "Sexy" tattooed in cursive on her neck, surprisingly wasn't.

I need to grow up

My soon to be sister-in-law posted a link on Facebook regarding the Swine Flu. Here is the URL from when the page was loading:

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Farticles.mercola.com%2Fsites%2Farticles%2Farchive%2F2009%2F04%2F28%2FSwine-Flu.aspx&h=6ff375c5c7fc7241c52c5b18790180c6

Does anyone else see the word "Farticles" in there? Not once, but twice!!!

I'm still giggling...

Epp-A-Dem-Ick

Is anyone else so over all of this swine flu baloney?

D-effing-lightful!

Here is some new footage of those two Domino's workers that got me off of pizza and hoagies for at least the next two months:

Nasty Domino's Workers - UNSEEN FOOTAGE! - watch more funny videos

"Who likes fartin' on sammitches?"

Ready to feel good about life?

On Sunday, April 5, 2009, someone found my blog by googling the exact phrase "devouring a turd."

That completes me.

3/28-4/16

Yikes. Sorry. Some stuff has happened in the past few months. Would you like to hear about it? Oh, good! Here goes-

Wedding planning! Yay!!!! *Cartoon hearts* *baby dogs* *candy canes* *tiny cupids floating around in diapers*! Ok so maybe its not actually that much fun (but I feel guilty when I complain about it because its supposed to be such a wonderful experience blah, blah, blah). But seriously, why does it have to be so frustrating? I was told the original venue we wanted for the reception won't be big enough and the new room has zero windows, the *worst* carpeting ever, and MUSTARD YELLOW BANQUET CHAIRS. Jesus, really? Good thing the theme is going to be "Feels Just Like Grandpa's Shitty 1972 Oldsmobile." Favors will include a pack of Lucky Strikes, a pine-scented air freshener, and one of these.

I strongly dislike twitter. I don't really have a good reason, in fact I've never been on it, but I have been on the new facebook. And I imagine twitter being like the most annoying parts of the new facebook without any redeeming qualities like being able to look at pictures of people you used to know while laughing at how bad they look now. Oh and you know what else? Your top 5 list of who-fucking-cares actually made it on my top 5 list of reasons why I fucking hate you. Isn't that neat?

It would appear that not blogging for several months has turned me into a raging bitch. Also, I just discovered that I cannot blog and listen to my Ipod at the same time, which is sad.

On a good note, I saw the Flight of the Conchords last night and it was even more amazing than I hoped it would be. The acoustic version of Sugar Lumps was simply delicious!

And I promise I'll try to eat more fiber (be more regular- for those of you who aren't into poop-humor).

Old people + the internet= GOLD MINE!!!

Teach your grandpa how to upload videos today!

The distance between us is ever so apparent...

I had one of those days where I wanted to find old friends on Facebook. There was one girl in particular I wanted to find, lets call her Karin. Karin and I were the bestest of best friends growing up. Like, we were completely inseparable- until her family moved.

Even after the move we stayed friends though. I'd see her every Christmas and usually once during the summer, as most of her family still lived in the area. I remember having crushes on several of her cousins that I'd meet at various family functions. Most notable was Kenneth, because I kept asking him, "What's the frequency, Kenneth ?" thinking it would be cute or funny or whatever (because I'm sure he'd never heard that one before). Ugh. Anyways, I digress. As the years went by we eventually lost touch. I hadn't thought about her in a long time but recently my mom was telling me how she ran into one of Karin's aunts.

So I looked her up on the old F-book and sent out my friend request. It was accepted a few hours later and of course I went to her page to see what she's been up to. I saw the following:

Political Views: Conservative

Religious Views: Romans 8:38-39

I think to myself, ok so we've certainly followed different paths since the good old days of playing barbies and secretary (yes, we used to play secretary- don't judge). But the kicker really came when I was browsing her personal interests section which included this lil nugget: "impromptu Bible studies." My old best friend, the person I was so similar to in my youth, enjoys impromptu Bible studies so much that she included it on her personal internet profile?

To each their own, but yikes, that's hardcore. I've never been to a planned Bible study, let alone a spontaneous, off-the-cuff let's just sit down right here in this Starbucks and dive into some First Corinthians for the sheer fun of it type shit.

But to be fair, she's probably lighting a candle for me right now considering my profile states that I'm a Libertarian whose religious view is "we follow the hawk" and my favorite book is "My signed copy of "I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability" by Ron "Tater Salad" White."

An Important Message From Vex and the City

Sorry. I know, I know- I'm a huge slacker and a disappointment overall. Lay off me, mom.

I'll get back into the swing of this whole blogging thing soon, but for now I had to share something very important regarding a cause that is close to my heart- Yorkies.

I came across this link: http://stylenews.peoplestylewatch.com/2007/08/18/ which had this *adorable* picture:


Do you see what I see?

It seems that somebody at People magazine forgot to photoshop this little guys red-wiener out. Either that or they wanted to graphically illustrate just how turned on your dog will be when wearing one of these wigs.

***We here at Vex and the City do not approve of the sexual objectification of baby Yorkies to further the capitalist agenda of corporate America.***

****We do, however, approve of such objectification if it is used to further the humor agenda of blogging America.****

Thank you.

Hahahahahahahhaha!

Religion is funny.


Yeah its a little long but the first few minutes are bearable. Oh and you can get your Ex-Masturbator shirt at P4CM.Com. Holla at First Corinthians 6:9... Irony.

Wow

Today I was spending a little time putting addresses into my wedding master excel file and I noticed something kind of funny. One of my aunts has the following address:

PO Box 11
Hurley, WI

As in, she was the 11th person in the entire town to sign up for a PO box. It's not like she's been there since the 1880's. I don't know, that just made me giggle.

Happy Friday Everyone!

Here is a delightful video of adorable kitties riding a vacuum cleaner:

Some good news-

Aries 1/29/09
March 21 - April 19
Issues involving fashion, magazines, and the spoken or written word will all begin to take a slow turn in a positive direction today, dear Aries. You may find that these things have been somewhat obscured lately, or at least development in these areas has been in more of a backward rather than a forward motion. The good news is that the tide is turning, and you should notice over the next few weeks that things are getting back on track.

Apparently my blog has been lacking content due to Venus being in the house of Jupiter's second moon (or something of the sort). I'd also like to blame my inability to properly accessorize on this as well.

Thank God that's over. I promise to be more vigilant with posting. Hearts!

WTF Detroit?!?!

A dead guy found in a block of ice?

Yikes.

In Exactly One Year-

I will be marrying into this:



Great comfort at a most pleasant price... Can't wait!


Props to Em for the video :)

Memories

I couldn't sleep last night. I was having one of those nights where my mind just wandered to completely random stuff. For some reason I was thinking back to 5th grade.

I remember an older girl being pregnant. I think she was a Kinnunen or a Kitzman. But for me to have seen her, she would have only been in 8th grade (it was a K-8 school). Anyways, the whole thing stands out because of the sweatshirt she was wearing over her visibly preggo belly. It had a big picture of a Hershey Kiss on it and said "It all started with a Kiss." I remember thinking that was the most dirty and gross and disgusting thing I'd ever seen.

The thought of that shirt consumed me and now I'm not even sure it was true or accurate. Can anyone confirm that there was indeed, a pregnant scummy kid in our elementary school?

First off-

In singular form it's spelled with a "y" not "ie"

Secondly- What. The. Fuck. Are you serious with that headline?

*Please* put a gag order on the proceedings. Thanks.

Well, its finally happened.

Steelcase has managed to combine my two least favorite activities into a single horrible, unnecessary contraption. Behold the Walkstation:


Ugh... work + exercise = more incentive to call out sick.

Why would anyone ever use this? My heart is filled with hatred and rage just looking at it. Now I need to distract myself with an lolcat.

Enough already.

Two questions-

Where did he find a leotard that size?
Did anyone else see his chubby man-bits flop out a few times?

Sorry sister, you're never going to be this guy.

Also-

That last post was the first to be published from my beautiful new Mac! Holla!

What the Fuck, Union Square?

For the past 5 days its smelled like an airport bathroom in the entire L section at Union Square. And not just any airport bathroom- I mean the first one available after a cross country flight where they were serving Natty Ice and Indian food to fat old people with IBS. The one where half of the toilets can't even flush after the torment they've endured. You know what I mean.

It smells like someone took every horrific odor known to man, condensed them into a single liquid, and then poured that liquid over every HVAC component on that level of the underground. The air is a thick diarrhea-fart stew that burns my nose hairs and makes me dizzy every time I smell it (which is at least twice a day).

As gross as I'm trying to be, I feel I'm barely doing the stink justice. It is unholy. What the fuck, Union Square?