ha...

My new (and soon to be gone) worlds most horrendous temp LOVES to say, "Oh! It's the funniest thing" before or after telling a story. If it was really the funniest thing I wouldn't be able to hear you say that because I'd be laughing too fucking hard, no?

She's a new breed of like ghetto/Brooklyn/crazy. Ghetbrazy? Maybe that was trying too hard. Anyways, today she was telling me about how she needs to start collecting child support from her "daughters father" which is just the new way of saying baby-daddy. She proceeds to tell me all about him and his new wife and how he hasn't paid her anything in the 5 years since they had this love child.

I don't know her, but I know more about her finances than I do about my own. She's always on the phone trying to hustle friends for money. Last week she was trying to shake down her brother, who works at Filene's Basement, for $50 for a pair of boots. Who the hell? What? Who does that? She's been at this shithole for all of like 8 days... Oh and did I mention that she calls the CFO her boo? Yeah, not to his face (I don't think) but when he walks by she'll giggle and say, "dat my boo."

Where do I find these people? I guess this will teach me for hiring someone because they said the phrase "Champagne taste on a Capri Sun budget" in the interview...

Holla!

I effing love Google Analytics. Without it, I would've never known that somebody found my blog today by searching the exact phrase "deepthroat a dildo." While I am certainly not opposed to that kind of language, I'm fairly sure I've never used or typed that expression before in my life. Amazing!

Also-

one of the Google Image Search results for "Lawerence from Office Space" lead me to this photo-


which is nice, considering how I feel about these mozzarella douche-nozzles...

What do you get when you mix this:

With this:


Answer: the greasy haired mullet man that single-handedly destroyed our softball team last night. And his wife, who was also on the team, was just as scary. Yikes.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's the one year anniversary of Vex and the City (dot blogspot dot com)!!! It seems like only yesterday I was obsessing over the Albino Python and her crazy antics.

Thanks for reading and here's to one more year of semi-regular, semi-entertaining posts! I love you all!

Oh hey!

Long time no see. I was feeling creatively tapped so I apologize for the lack of posts recently. I do have a few updates to report on:

1. Its official: I hate Focaccia. At least this time I have French Onion au jus to dip it in. I'm actually only using the disgusting flour-bread as a vessel to bring me the delicious French Onion flavor. Thanks Outback!

2. I'm going to Las Vegas in less than a month with my 3 childhood BFFs and I cannot wait!!!

3. One possible reason for the lack of creativity is that I've been taking an improv class at the UCB and maybe I use up all my funny there. Its fucking amazing and I can't believe its taken me this long to get into it. I'll keep you all posted on our final performance, it'll probably be a disaster- I mean hilarious.

4. I am really, really, genuinely hoping for a second season of Kid Nation. Seriously. It was easily one of the best shows that was on TV last year. For those of you who have never had the pleasure, I suggest watching all the episodes immediately.

Naga, naga, naga get another movie role...

Holy crap! The Indian guy from 40-Year-Old-Virgin was arrested. Peep this from CNN:

OCEANSIDE, California (AP) -- An actor who appeared in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" has been arrested for investigation of attempted murder after his former girlfriend was stabbed more than 20 times, leaving her critically injured, authorities said Tuesday.

Shelley Malil, 43, was arrested Monday in Oceanside when he got off a train from Los Angeles, Lt. Phil Brust of the San Diego County Sheriff's Department said in a statement. Malil had come to Oceanside to meet his attorney, who along with family and friends had persuaded him to turn himself in, police said.

On Sunday night, about 15 miles east in San Marcos, deputies answering reports of screams for help and breaking glass found a woman with multiple stab wounds and cuts on her face.

She was listed in critical condition Monday morning, but authorities did not know her condition early Tuesday.

"Malil and the victim had apparently been in a dating relationship which recently ended," the statement said.

Malil was arrested for investigation of attempted murder, mayhem and burglary, the statement said.

Did anyone else notice something funny? Like, the fact that one of the charges is for mayhem? Uh-oh everyone! The commotion police are out in full force... be careful not to cause a ruckus or face their wrath!!!

Oh wait, I just looked up the definition of mayhem and in the legal sense it is defined as 'the offense of willfully maiming or crippling a person.' Not so funny after all.

For the record-

I fucking hate focaccia.


Why do you taste like paste? You are a disgusting excuse for bread and whoever decided to use you to make sandwiches should be killed. Seriously, how do you ruin the perfect flavors of turkey, lettuce, tomato, and honey mustard? Oh, that's right... put it on focaccia.

oh. my. dog.

I got up Saturday morning at about 8:30. I went into the bathroom and midway through my morning pee I saw something. I cannot even explain how this happened but I had to take a picture for proof (after waking Ben up to make him look at it, of course).



My dog, little baby Wadadli (who needs to stand on his back legs just to see over the edge of the bathtub) had somehow jumped into the tub, pooped, and gotten out in the middle of the night. WTF? Who poops in a tub? How did he get in there? How did he do his poop-dance???



Funny how they never mention this kind of thing on the Dog Whisperer...