It's Been a Long Time

I'm back, bitches!

Another Reason I LOVE New York

Even our homeless people are hilarious!

A day that will live in infamy

It was confirmed yesterday that Flight of the Conchords will not be having a 3rd season of awesomeness on HBO. This news came straight from the kiwi's mouths. What a bummer, but I'm not crying...

Crossing My Fingers

My horoscope for today:

Aries
March 21 - April 19
A sudden and unexpected visit from someone who lives far away is likely to throw your usual schedule out of kilter, dear Aries. Though you'll be glad to see your friend, the visit may require a lot of telephone calls breaking appointments, etc. Once that process is completed, however, you'll have a good visit. Your friend should have a lot to report to you, and vice versa. You'll talk for hours. Relax and have some fun!

Dear Jeff-fry,

I hope this means that you pulled it off and are able to come to NYC for a surprise weekend visit. If not, I will have lost all faith in astrology. Seriously.

xo,
your bestie

Too bad they didn't listen

The Other Night I Couldn't Sleep

Instead, I decided to go through every actor change for Days of Our Lives characters that I could remember from when I was an *avid* watcher in my younger years.

Here we go:

Bo Brady- I started watching when he was played by tall, hot, beefy Bo in the late 80's/early 90's. Unfortunately he wasn't the original and soon short, stalky and monkey-like Bo v1.0 was back for the remainder of my time as a fan.
PS. According to IMDB, his name is Beauregard Aurelius 'Bo' Brady. Fuck yeah.

Vivian Alamain- I just remember them switching from one dumb ginger to another.

Belle Black- The first girl who played her came from the Disney channel- after that it was all downhill. They were constantly trying out new blond-haired, squishy-faced girls to replace Zenon.

Billie Reed- Lisa Rinna, with her crazy hair and enormous lips went on to be replaced by that girl from the elevator scene in Liar Liar. Eh, upgrade I guess.

Austin Reed- The first Austin was (ZOMG!!!!) the same guy who played Jeff, the manager at the Max- aka the reason Kelly and Zach broke-up! Single tear. After that, who cares?

That's all I can remember and yes, I realize *exactly* how cool I am.

What's wrong with this picture?

(click to enlarge)

PS. NEVER go to a bridal expo, no matter how awesome the honeymoon giveaway grand prize is. I've been harassed by multiple daily emails and weekly phone calls from assholes like the above since January. Grrr!

Thanks, Job!

I've had a work blackberry for over three years now and have never really had a use for it, until today. Thank baby jeebus for the BB Tour upgrade, otherwise I might not have had a camera to capture this rare beauty:


Welcome to Park Avenue, baby.

In other using-my-new-blackberry-camera-news, these guys are still at it with the Mikes.



Believe me when I say there were even more over the weekend that I didn't get pictures of. This neighbor may be my new Albino Python, but in a good way!

Only watch this if you feel like crying.

Holy. Crap.

I came across this on my way to work the other day:

6 cases of Mike's assorted-ades!?!?

This can mean only one of two things- either we have an entire apartment building full of 13 year old girls OR Chris Hanson has set-up shop in the hood!

Let's hope for #2!!!

Oh, Facebook.

You're such an amusing little beast. Where else could I find this gem:

Xxxxx Xxxxxxxx: i swear to god, if this bitch doesn't process my food stamp application tomorrow i'm burning down her house.

Bragging about being on food stamps in your status update? Why not! But that wasn't the end of it. There were several comments left by others who were also waiting for their food stamps. How can all these people afford computers and the internet but not milk?

It should be noted that the author of the above is what some (doctors, dietitians, nutritionists, etc) would classify as obese. I would love to know how that happens when your monthly stipend of meal tickets is, at least in theory, provided to cover food for one person.

Then there are the facebook quizzes... Normally I hide them as soon as I see any phrase resembling "Which Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Character Are You?" But, for some reason, I noticed the results that this particular chick had posted after taking the Dirty Dancing quiz.

She went to my high school but I never really knew her. She was one of those friend requests that I accepted because a core group of friends had also accepted her request. But even with my limited knowledge, her results could not have been more spot on. Who was her Dirty Dancing doppelganger? Penny Johnson.



Yep. One look at this girl's profile picture and you just *know* she's totally game for (and has probably experienced at least one) rusty wire hanger abortion in the back of some "doctors" van. So I guess those things can be accurate. Good work, facebook!

Things that bring me pleasure

The movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is certainly one of them. Free lunch is another.

(Click on the image to make it larger)

Being able to successfully reference Ace while ordering that free lunch = Best. Day. Ever.

Fuck you, Brooklyn

Fuck you at 1:00 am, with your organic and all natural deli foods.

Fuck your soy/non-dairy/vegetarian bullshit excuse for pizza.

Fuck you for having 32 varieties of tofu but not a single package of pepperoni.

Fuck you.

All I want is a goddamn thin, crispy, greasy, and delicious Jacks (or Tombstone).

In closing: fuck you, Brooklyn.

This would be *slightly* less adorable if he were a midget

A little bit about me.

My current phone doesn't automatically delete text messages. I have to do it manually when my inbox starts to fill up. Usually I use the 'delete all' function but for some reason I decided to select each message individually last night. By doing this, I learned something extremely valuable about myself.

You know how there are those people in life that you can confess your inner most fears, hopes, and dreams to? I am not that person. You know the ones that are always there when you need a word of encouragement or just to feel loved and not alone? I am not that person either. After a horrible break-up, the friend who will let you cry on his/her shoulder and spoon feed you 3 gallons of Rocky Road ice cream in your pajamas while telling you how fabulous you are? Again- not me.

Apparently, this is who I am to people:

Date: June 30, 9:34 am
---
I just crop dusted the library at this high school I'm at... Sounded like a dirt bike in the distance. =)
--
From: JS


Date: July 12, 3:10 pm
--
Just crop dusted a priest!
--
From: EG


Date: July 16, 11:23 pm
--
Crop dusted a group of girls at the bar, then got stuck behind some dude. Bad times :(
--
From: JH

Yup. I'm the person you come to when you need affirmation and praise for purposely farting in public. (I guess Ben is right, I should change the name of this blog)

Either way, I'd like to dedicate this song to all of my gassy readers. xoxo!

Pun O'Clock

According to CNN.com the leader of North Korea has pancreatic cancer.

So in other words, Kim Jong's ill.

ZING!


At least these three liked it...

Gross.

Bad news for our neighbors to the south (aside from just being New Jersey).

But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'herpes'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'bad decisions'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'overly spray-tanned Guido's'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean '____________'.

Leave your suggestion in the comments section. Best one wins a prize!

Dear Stacey-

They've been to Brooklyn too!

Mean Girls Don't Stop

I got the following email from a girl I went to school with. Please note I did not say "friends with." We were never more than classmates. In fact, I used to think I'd be on the top of her "People to Kill" list (a la Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison).

Bella,
I just heard about your engagement. Congratulations. I hope he is a good guy and treats you right. Marriage is what you make it. I'm glad I made the choices I did otherwise I wouldn't be married with my little girl. I hope everything turn s out beautiful for you and hopefully one day I'll get to meet you future husband. Email me your address so I can send you a gift. Talk to you soon.

Of course I think it is totally random and weird that I just got marital advice and should be expecting a gift from this stranger (practically). I had to consult my team of experts. Here is an excerpt from an IM session with one of my homegirls, Bex.

Bella says:
i mean, really? [random girl's name]?
why?!?!
Bex says:
she always wanted to be best buds with you
Bella says:
haha
Bex says:
are you just not going to respond or what are you gonna do
Bella says:
i'll probably respond
because i'll most likely have to see her next year
Bex says:
thats the nice thing to do
Bella says:
i guess, it just seems weird
the email was a nice gesture but to say you want to send a gift seems strange
Bex says:
very weird
Bella says:
right?
Bex says:
she is weird tho
Bella says:
haha
yes
Bex says:
wonder what she would send
Bella says:
haha
i dont know
maybe i should just email her back, thanking her for the well-wishes but not send my address? or does that seem rude?
Bex says:
no thats probably what i would do
Bella says:
ok good
thats what i was thinking
Bex says:
i dont like people knowing my address
Bella says:
i mean, our address isn't even listed on our registries
Bex says:
ya thats completely ok to just thank her
Bella says:
maybe she wants to show that she has $ from her doctor husband?
Bex says:
she does
Bella says:
Dr. Wood
i hope hes a proctologist
Bex says:
i saw her when i was home in feb at don and ggs. she came to my table and thats all she kept saying, my doctor husband, blah blah blah
Bella says:
REALLY?!??!!
i didnt know that!
Bex says:
hes a foot doctor, actually froze a wart off my foot once
Bella says:
HAHAHA
shut the hell up
they are still MI?
Bex says:
ya he works at bluff view, well that little building right next to it
Bella says:
omg
i (heart) this conversation... it may have to go on my blog

And it did!

I guess the moral of this story is that saying your husband is a doctor loses its cache when I know he's frozen a wart off my friends foot. Also, I guess I'm the same catty bitch I was in high school. Oops...

A documentary for right meow

To quote bestweekever.tv- Here is the trailer for Cat Ladies. It’s like Saw IV: For Ladies:



Brilliant!