Oh, Facebook.

You're such an amusing little beast. Where else could I find this gem:

Xxxxx Xxxxxxxx: i swear to god, if this bitch doesn't process my food stamp application tomorrow i'm burning down her house.

Bragging about being on food stamps in your status update? Why not! But that wasn't the end of it. There were several comments left by others who were also waiting for their food stamps. How can all these people afford computers and the internet but not milk?

It should be noted that the author of the above is what some (doctors, dietitians, nutritionists, etc) would classify as obese. I would love to know how that happens when your monthly stipend of meal tickets is, at least in theory, provided to cover food for one person.

Then there are the facebook quizzes... Normally I hide them as soon as I see any phrase resembling "Which Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Character Are You?" But, for some reason, I noticed the results that this particular chick had posted after taking the Dirty Dancing quiz.

She went to my high school but I never really knew her. She was one of those friend requests that I accepted because a core group of friends had also accepted her request. But even with my limited knowledge, her results could not have been more spot on. Who was her Dirty Dancing doppelganger? Penny Johnson.



Yep. One look at this girl's profile picture and you just *know* she's totally game for (and has probably experienced at least one) rusty wire hanger abortion in the back of some "doctors" van. So I guess those things can be accurate. Good work, facebook!

Things that bring me pleasure

The movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is certainly one of them. Free lunch is another.

(Click on the image to make it larger)

Being able to successfully reference Ace while ordering that free lunch = Best. Day. Ever.

Fuck you, Brooklyn

Fuck you at 1:00 am, with your organic and all natural deli foods.

Fuck your soy/non-dairy/vegetarian bullshit excuse for pizza.

Fuck you for having 32 varieties of tofu but not a single package of pepperoni.

Fuck you.

All I want is a goddamn thin, crispy, greasy, and delicious Jacks (or Tombstone).

In closing: fuck you, Brooklyn.

This would be *slightly* less adorable if he were a midget

A little bit about me.

My current phone doesn't automatically delete text messages. I have to do it manually when my inbox starts to fill up. Usually I use the 'delete all' function but for some reason I decided to select each message individually last night. By doing this, I learned something extremely valuable about myself.

You know how there are those people in life that you can confess your inner most fears, hopes, and dreams to? I am not that person. You know the ones that are always there when you need a word of encouragement or just to feel loved and not alone? I am not that person either. After a horrible break-up, the friend who will let you cry on his/her shoulder and spoon feed you 3 gallons of Rocky Road ice cream in your pajamas while telling you how fabulous you are? Again- not me.

Apparently, this is who I am to people:

Date: June 30, 9:34 am
---
I just crop dusted the library at this high school I'm at... Sounded like a dirt bike in the distance. =)
--
From: JS


Date: July 12, 3:10 pm
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Just crop dusted a priest!
--
From: EG


Date: July 16, 11:23 pm
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Crop dusted a group of girls at the bar, then got stuck behind some dude. Bad times :(
--
From: JH

Yup. I'm the person you come to when you need affirmation and praise for purposely farting in public. (I guess Ben is right, I should change the name of this blog)

Either way, I'd like to dedicate this song to all of my gassy readers. xoxo!

Pun O'Clock

According to CNN.com the leader of North Korea has pancreatic cancer.

So in other words, Kim Jong's ill.

ZING!


At least these three liked it...

Gross.

Bad news for our neighbors to the south (aside from just being New Jersey).

But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'herpes'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'bad decisions'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'overly spray-tanned Guido's'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean '____________'.

Leave your suggestion in the comments section. Best one wins a prize!