Vex and the City

Another Reason I LOVE New York

2009-12-11T21:12:00.000-05:00

Even our homeless people are hilarious!

A day that will live in infamy

2009-12-11T13:04:00.001-05:00

It was confirmed yesterday that Flight of the Conchords will not be having a 3rd season of awesomeness on HBO. This news came straight from the kiwi's mouths. What a bummer, but I'm not crying...

Crossing My Fingers

2009-12-09T16:55:00.002-05:00

My horoscope for today:

Aries
March 21 - April 19
A sudden and unexpected visit from someone who lives far away is likely to throw your usual schedule out of kilter, dear Aries. Though you'll be glad to see your friend, the visit may require a lot of telephone calls breaking appointments, etc. Once that process is completed, however, you'll have a good visit. Your friend should have a lot to report to you, and vice versa. You'll talk for hours. Relax and have some fun!

Dear Jeff-fry,

I hope this means that you pulled it off and are able to come to NYC for a surprise weekend visit. If not, I will have lost all faith in astrology. Seriously.

xo,
your bestie

Too bad they didn't listen

2009-12-03T13:38:00.001-05:00

The Other Night I Couldn't Sleep

2009-11-18T14:11:00.001-05:00

Instead, I decided to go through every actor change for Days of Our Lives characters that I could remember from when I was an *avid* watcher in my younger years.

Here we go:

Bo Brady- I started watching when he was played by tall, hot, beefy Bo in the late 80's/early 90's. Unfortunately he wasn't the original and soon short, stalky and monkey-like Bo v1.0 was back for the remainder of my time as a fan.
PS. According to IMDB, his name is Beauregard Aurelius 'Bo' Brady. Fuck yeah.

Vivian Alamain- I just remember them switching from one dumb ginger to another.

Belle Black- The first girl who played her came from the Disney channel- after that it was all downhill. They were constantly trying out new blond-haired, squishy-faced girls to replace Zenon.

Billie Reed- Lisa Rinna, with her crazy hair and enormous lips went on to be replaced by that girl from the elevator scene in Liar Liar. Eh, upgrade I guess.

Austin Reed- The first Austin was (ZOMG!!!!) the same guy who played Jeff, the manager at the Max- aka the reason Kelly and Zach broke-up! Single tear. After that, who cares?

That's all I can remember and yes, I realize *exactly* how cool I am.

What's wrong with this picture?

2009-10-08T20:22:00.002-04:00

(click to enlarge)

PS. NEVER go to a bridal expo, no matter how awesome the honeymoon giveaway grand prize is. I've been harassed by multiple daily emails and weekly phone calls from assholes like the above since January. Grrr!

Thanks, Job!

2009-10-06T19:13:00.005-04:00

I've had a work blackberry for over three years now and have never really had a use for it, until today. Thank baby jeebus for the BB Tour upgrade, otherwise I might not have had a camera to capture this rare beauty:

Welcome to Park Avenue, baby.

In other using-my-new-blackberry-camera-news, these guys are still at it with the Mikes.

Believe me when I say there were even more over the weekend that I didn't get pictures of. This neighbor may be my new Albino Python, but in a good way!

Only watch this if you feel like crying.

2009-10-05T14:16:00.001-04:00

Holy. Crap.

2009-09-30T16:23:00.000-04:00

I came across this on my way to work the other day:

6 cases of Mike's assorted-ades!?!?

This can mean only one of two things- either we have an entire apartment building full of 13 year old girls OR Chris Hanson has set-up shop in the hood!

Let's hope for #2!!!

Oh, Facebook.

2009-09-24T13:55:00.001-04:00

You're such an amusing little beast. Where else could I find this gem:

Xxxxx Xxxxxxxx: i swear to god, if this bitch doesn't process my food stamp application tomorrow i'm burning down her house.

Bragging about being on food stamps in your status update? Why not! But that wasn't the end of it. There were several comments left by others who were also waiting for their food stamps. How can all these people afford computers and the internet but not milk?

It should be noted that the author of the above is what some (doctors, dietitians, nutritionists, etc) would classify as obese. I would love to know how that happens when your monthly stipend of meal tickets is, at least in theory, provided to cover food for one person.

Then there are the facebook quizzes... Normally I hide them as soon as I see any phrase resembling "Which Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Character Are You?" But, for some reason, I noticed the results that this particular chick had posted after taking the Dirty Dancing quiz.

She went to my high school but I never really knew her. She was one of those friend requests that I accepted because a core group of friends had also accepted her request. But even with my limited knowledge, her results could not have been more spot on. Who was her Dirty Dancing doppelganger? Penny Johnson.

Yep. One look at this girl's profile picture and you just *know* she's totally game for (and has probably experienced at least one) rusty wire hanger abortion in the back of some "doctors" van. So I guess those things can be accurate. Good work, facebook!

Things that bring me pleasure

2009-08-25T11:55:00.005-04:00

The movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is certainly one of them. Free lunch is another.

(Click on the image to make it larger)

Being able to successfully reference Ace while ordering that free lunch = Best. Day. Ever.

Fuck you, Brooklyn

2009-08-23T01:14:00.002-04:00

Fuck you at 1:00 am, with your organic and all natural deli foods.

Fuck your soy/non-dairy/vegetarian bullshit excuse for pizza.

Fuck you for having 32 varieties of tofu but not a single package of pepperoni.

Fuck you.

All I want is a goddamn thin, crispy, greasy, and delicious Jacks (or Tombstone).

In closing: fuck you, Brooklyn.

This would be slightly less adorable if he were a midget

2009-07-28T17:01:00.001-04:00

A little bit about me.

2009-07-22T10:26:00.004-04:00

My current phone doesn't automatically delete text messages. I have to do it manually when my inbox starts to fill up. Usually I use the 'delete all' function but for some reason I decided to select each message individually last night. By doing this, I learned something extremely valuable about myself.

You know how there are those people in life that you can confess your inner most fears, hopes, and dreams to? I am not that person. You know the ones that are always there when you need a word of encouragement or just to feel loved and not alone? I am not that person either. After a horrible break-up, the friend who will let you cry on his/her shoulder and spoon feed you 3 gallons of Rocky Road ice cream in your pajamas while telling you how fabulous you are? Again- not me.

Apparently, this is who I am to people:

Date: June 30, 9:34 am
---
I just crop dusted the library at this high school I'm at... Sounded like a dirt bike in the distance. =)
--
From: JS

Date: July 12, 3:10 pm
--
Just crop dusted a priest!
--
From: EG

Date: July 16, 11:23 pm
--
Crop dusted a group of girls at the bar, then got stuck behind some dude. Bad times :(
--
From: JH

Yup. I'm the person you come to when you need affirmation and praise for purposely farting in public. (I guess Ben is right, I should change the name of this blog)

Either way, I'd like to dedicate this song to all of my gassy readers. xoxo!

Pun O'Clock

2009-07-13T16:59:00.003-04:00

According to CNN.com the leader of North Korea has pancreatic cancer.

So in other words, Kim Jong's ill.

ZING!

At least these three liked it...

Gross.

2009-07-01T14:09:00.000-04:00

Bad news for our neighbors to the south (aside from just being New Jersey).

But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'herpes'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'bad decisions'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean 'overly spray-tanned Guido's'.
or
But we all know that by 'mosquito' they really mean '____________'.

Leave your suggestion in the comments section. Best one wins a prize!

Dear Stacey-

2009-06-26T20:03:00.001-04:00

They've been to Brooklyn too!

Mean Girls Don't Stop

2009-06-25T20:43:00.000-04:00

I got the following email from a girl I went to school with. Please note I did not say "friends with." We were never more than classmates. In fact, I used to think I'd be on the top of her "People to Kill" list (a la Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison).

Bella,
I just heard about your engagement. Congratulations. I hope he is a good guy and treats you right. Marriage is what you make it. I'm glad I made the choices I did otherwise I wouldn't be married with my little girl. I hope everything turn s out beautiful for you and hopefully one day I'll get to meet you future husband. Email me your address so I can send you a gift. Talk to you soon.

Of course I think it is totally random and weird that I just got marital advice and should be expecting a gift from this stranger (practically). I had to consult my team of experts. Here is an excerpt from an IM session with one of my homegirls, Bex.

Bella says:
i mean, really? [random girl's name]?
why?!?!
Bex says:
she always wanted to be best buds with you
Bella says:
haha
Bex says:
are you just not going to respond or what are you gonna do
Bella says:
i'll probably respond
because i'll most likely have to see her next year
Bex says:
thats the nice thing to do
Bella says:
i guess, it just seems weird
the email was a nice gesture but to say you want to send a gift seems strange
Bex says:
very weird
Bella says:
right?
Bex says:
she is weird tho
Bella says:
haha
yes
Bex says:
wonder what she would send
Bella says:
haha
i dont know
maybe i should just email her back, thanking her for the well-wishes but not send my address? or does that seem rude?
Bex says:
no thats probably what i would do
Bella says:
ok good
thats what i was thinking
Bex says:
i dont like people knowing my address
Bella says:
i mean, our address isn't even listed on our registries
Bex says:
ya thats completely ok to just thank her
Bella says:
maybe she wants to show that she has $ from her doctor husband?
Bex says:
she does
Bella says:
Dr. Wood
i hope hes a proctologist
Bex says:
i saw her when i was home in feb at don and ggs. she came to my table and thats all she kept saying, my doctor husband, blah blah blah
Bella says:
REALLY?!??!!
i didnt know that!
Bex says:
hes a foot doctor, actually froze a wart off my foot once
Bella says:
HAHAHA
shut the hell up
they are still MI?
Bex says:
ya he works at bluff view, well that little building right next to it
Bella says:
omg
i (heart) this conversation... it may have to go on my blog

And it did!

I guess the moral of this story is that saying your husband is a doctor loses its cache when I know he's frozen a wart off my friends foot. Also, I guess I'm the same catty bitch I was in high school. Oops...

A documentary for right meow

2009-06-25T15:05:00.007-04:00

To quote bestweekever.tv- Here is the trailer for Cat Ladies. It’s like Saw IV: For Ladies:

Brilliant!

Treat Yourselves

2009-06-23T16:19:00.000-04:00

Comfortable situations are foreign to me

2009-06-23T15:15:00.004-04:00

Last week I got a facebook email from a cousin I never talk to. Never. I mean, in the greeting she didn't even spell my goddam name correctly, and its right there on the page!

Anyways, she wanted my real email address so that her husbands sister could contact me about hotels in NY and/or to see if I could get her a good rate. She also asked for the details of my wedding because, her and her sister (my other cousin who I talk to even less) were planning on coming! Imagine my shock- considering neither of them have actually been invited. Ugh. So here we go with the awkward email back saying that "due to budget constraints blah, blah, blah." How ballsy is that though? To just assume you're invited?

Oh! Speaking of putting your foot in your mouth, I almost congratulated a not pregnant woman on being pregnant. I hadn't seen her in almost a year and when I did it was from across the room. She had on a tight tee shirt that was hugging her cute little basketball belly so I yelled, "OMG! I can't believe you're..." then I stopped. She looked at me like, what are you going to say, bitch???

I finished with "...here! It's been so long! How are you? What's new?" That way, if she was in fact pregnant, she could share now. Guess what? She didn't say shit about being with child. Thank GOD I can sometimes filter the garbage that streams out of my stupid mouth.

This makes me sad

2009-05-29T15:05:00.002-04:00

CNN Quick Vote:

Will you watch "The Tonight Show" with Conan O'Brien?

Yes 33% 20680
No 67% 42311

Total Votes: 62991

What's with all the haters? Conedog is the shit! Come back to NYC where you're appreciated!!!

Yikes.

2009-05-29T13:56:00.002-04:00

I just said the following about one of my coworkers:

he's one of those people that you wish his parents were in some super religious cult so he would have been made into a suicide bomber at the age of 12... the world would be a better place

Even I'm offended. Looks like this vacation can't come soon enough.

Trying.

2009-05-19T12:49:00.002-04:00

Today I decided I really wanted to have a good day and not completely hate everything about my job. I was making a conscious effort and the morning went pretty well, actually.

Then lunch time rolled around and I ask one of my many bosses if he'd like lunch, he says yes and gives me his order. Now, this is not a duty that I am required to perform- I ask him out of the kindness of my heart, yet he NEVER gets up and walks the 20 feet to my desk to get his lunch when it arrives. Instead, he sits and waits and watches until I deliver it to him. Today, I didn't even get a thank you. Asshole.

A little while later he barks at me to make him dinner reservations for Friday. He then proceeds to spend the next 25 minutes on the phone talking about some dickish automated golf program that keeps track of the number of times he swings. Seriously? **Oh that must be why you couldn't pick up the phone and call about dinner yourself. You were far too busy working. Doing important work things entirely related to the success of the company and ultimately paying my salary. Thanks. Glad we got that cleared up.**

I still haven't done it. I know he listens to my phone calls so anytime he pulls this type of thing I like to wait until he is away from his desk to make the call. Payoff comes at the end of the day when, finally, in a fit of rage at my clear disregard of his managerial request, he'll try to sound cool and relaxed and not annoyed when he asks, "hey, did you get through to the Palm?"

That's when I like to let out my huge 'are you fucking kidding me when have I ever *not* gotten through to the Palm, I can't believe you are seriously asking me that you ungrateful fucking prick- this isn't even a part of my job' sigh while doing a slow turn towards him then I say in a sarcastic tone,"Yeah. It's alllllll set."

Slow turn back to computer. Hard typing. Secret smiles in my heart, because really, its the small victories.

Sometimes its right on

2009-05-14T16:47:00.003-04:00

My Horoscope from today:

Aries
March 21 - April 19
If you feel as though you are having difficulty breathing, dear Aries, or if you are more and more clumsy today, take half an hour to relax in some peaceful garden. Sit down and examine the anger that you have never expressed. It seems it has been transformed into unconscious anxiety. Could it be that you are more discontent with your work than you allow yourself to admit?

Am I more discontent with my work than I allow myself to admit? Please see my post from two days ago. I admit to every bit of my discontentment. Every. God. Damn. Bit.

Nice try though.